


A Touch With Death

by Zeath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Awkward Kissing, Bullying, Cutting, Dead!Cronus, Death, Depression, Falling In Love, Ghoststuck, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Humanstuck, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Medical Procedures, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-26 17:30:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 44,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1696535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeath/pseuds/Zeath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kankri attempts suicide and now he has a touch in the realm of death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Hazel eyes drift open to see a white room, beeping sounds all around him; his head throbbed in pain as he tried to figure out where he was. He heard distant voices and a grip on his hand, Karkat was holding his hand and shouting for a nurse it seems. Last he remembers he took loads of sleeping pills to try and get away from it all, to leave and never come back, obviously that didn’t work when the doctor came in to speak with him.

Apparently Kankri was a very lucky person for living through what he had just put his body through, also he had to be on suicide watch for a couple of weeks until he is stabilized, plus therapy to see if people can help with anything that has been bothering him. As if the agonizing pain of reality wasn’t enough for him, he was told he would be back to normal in a number of months. Asshole. 

Once the doctor had left, Karkat had hugged him so tightly, crying on his shoulder and telling him how much of an idiot he was for going through all the pain alone and not talking to anyone or reaching out for help. You just stare ahead of you and hope that this is purgatory, hope that you are just living through the bad effects of death and it will pass, then you can rest peacefully. 

If anything was to go by, it was the chilling ache of his stomach; he wasn’t allowed to eat because it would just upset his stomach more so he was given disgusting smoothies to keep the nutrients flowing in his body. Karkat came to visit every day, making sure he was slurping up that vile mix of protein.  
He was feeling better, psychically. Not much to go on upstairs though; he still felt the same, like the world was against him, by this time he had been in this room for a number of days, maybe four, he didn’t have a calendar. He knew the nurses routines inside and out; they would wake him up around eight in the morning for a morning check, then give him a smoothie to get him through for a few hours, in which there was no doctors or nurses, at ten was when the visitors were allowed to come in and see him, though it wasn’t much because Karkat couldn’t come in until school was over. 

Around noon, a nurse would come in to attempt a small counseling session to see if he was going to actually respond. He never did. After giving him another smoothie, they left him alone for a couple of hours, that is where Karkat would come in to stay with him, doing homework to pass the time; his little brother knew when not to speak when it got serious. The visitors had to go home around five so he couldn’t stay long. 

They let him go to bed early, normally around eight or nine depending on if a nurse wanted to speak with him. All this time, Kankri was thinking about a plan to escape, or at least open the window so he could end his life quickly this time. Unfortunately there was someone always outside his door in case he got up or wanted someone immediately. Kankri knew that it was just for his safety, the hospital doesn’t want a suicide to clean up. 

It didn’t help at all that the room kept getting really cold at night, normally around ten in the evening when there was no noise but footsteps from nurses going up and down the halls, the blinking light from the bright hallways beaming through the doors window in Kankri’s room. He complained about it the next day and the nurse had turned up the heater in the room, yet still at ten at night it would go deathly cold. Kankri breathed out a sigh of frustration and a puff of steam blew out his mouth, his frowned hard and wrapped himself up in the thin sheets of the hospital beds but it wouldn’t do anything. 

He let out an angered huff and rolled over in the uncomfortable bed, only to have blank eyes staring into his now terrified ones.


	2. Chapter 2

Kankri just about covered his mouth before he could scream in terror. 

He couldn’t do anything; it was like he was frozen by that look staring back at him, at the dead eyes in front of him. The thing in front of him was radiating such cold air, he knew that it had been here a while and the heater wasn’t broken; it was just the thing in front of him. He wanted to speak but his voice was caught in his throat, the thing looked like his age, but he was so pale, his eyes blank; no pupils. Its hair was wavy but Kankri saw how it looked like it was attempting to be gelled back, it was just wearing a hospital gown but it was super clean, not a spec of anything on it. 

The thing moved once it noticed that it had Kankri’s attention, it stood up properly and almost smiled. Now that it was standing upright he could see how its neck had a thick purple ring around, the sudden thought came to Kankri; this could be a dead person. He did believe in life after death and the supernatural, he watched all those tv shows about how houses were haunted and exorcists would come and peacefully let them go to the other side. 

But he had never seen a ghost before; this was both exciting and shocking. It wasn’t hard to believe that were ghosts in a hospital because hello? Loads of people die here, there’s a whole set of rooms just for people who are going to die soon. The facts were that there was someone, even if they were dead, was waiting on him to do something.  
So he did, he sat up a little and pushed the pillow further up so he could get comfortable. “Hello?” 

The ghost moved forward, making Kankri scoot back on the bed, apparently this was an invitation to the pale boy as he sat on the corner of the bed, watching him. It seems it had taken a liking to him so it was now his responsibility to make sure this ghost gets to the other side peacefully. “Um so… What do you want?”

The ghost didn’t say anything, just simply stared ahead blankly but it lifted their hand and rubbed its neck. It wasn’t helping at all, so Kankri started to investigate by looking at all the features of the ghost, making assumptions. There was what looked like a rope mark so maybe it was strangled? Maybe it had a suicide too and actually died instead of wake up in a stupid suicide watch. “Okay nod for yes, shake for no. Do understand me?” 

The ghost was blank for a moment and Kankri was expecting he was just talking to himself for a moment but it suddenly nodded, alright at least it could understand him and he wasn’t just being crazy. Maybe he was, who cares, he was bored shitless in this hospital and even a ghost that he possibly made up would be enough to pass the time. “Do you remember anything before dying?” 

A shake, so it didn’t remember anything, maybe that’s why it was pestering him? Maybe it wanted to know what happened so it could get some clear mind about what happened so he could leave Kankri the hell alone. “Alright… You don’t know anything about what happened, can you please just, you know, leave? For now?” 

The ghost boy just stood there before shuffling around, looking down and to Kankri, the guy seemed embarrassed. Huh. “What? Why are you looking like that?”

Kankri was getting a bit shaken up, he didn’t know what the ghost wanted, why it was here and the ghost apparently didn’t know why it was here either so that just made matters worse. The ghost slumped his head in defeat and spoke softly, croaky, almost like his vocal cords had been heavily abused. 

“I don’t know how to leave.”


	3. Chapter 3

The next few days were still as boring as ever, but this time Kankri decided on finding out the reason behind that ghost’s death. He got a few visits but only at a certain time in the night and the ghost boy told him that it didn’t know how to leave but he wasn’t there when Kankri would wake up in the morning. 

He did ask about any deaths that happened in this room to a nurse that was checking up on his vitals and gave him the morning sludge in a cup. He didn’t like this nurse, she was the flirtatious one that always gave him weird stares and cheeky winks when she was about to leave the room, her uniform was meant to be professional but it sure didn’t give much to the imagination by the way she was wearing it higher than what was recommended and bending down a lot when it wasn’t needed. 

She smiled brightly when he spoke because normally Kankri wasn’t one to talk about anything apart from demanding when he was due to leave. She twirled a lock of that god awful bleach blonde hair around a finger and spoke in a high pitch whiny tone. “Well, honey. It is a suicide watch area after all, there’s going to be a few people that re-try. But no, no one has died in this room, you should worry about your own life, not the ones around you, sweetie.” 

Kankri lay back against the pillow and swallowed down some of the liquid evil from the milkshake cup and went silent once more. The nurse noticed he wasn’t going to speak and winked one of her overly shadowed eyes and left the room to annoy another poor, unfortunate patient. 

Well that information was as useful as a chocolate teacup. Kankri let out a huff as he checked the time on the plastic clock on the wall. It wasn’t even past eleven in the morning, suicide watch literally sucked so much; he couldn’t leave unless he had someone come with him and even then it was only to go to the bathroom down the hall. He was glad that the watchman was only outside his room otherwise he wouldn’t be able to think properly. 

That was the point though; it was so you couldn’t have enough freedom to actually do anything but it made the patient think that they were free to do what they pleased without much to bother them while they were getting better or plotting to try once again. Kankri wasn’t that dim witted to actually try again in a hospital, so he made a plan to get better faster so that he could be discharged quicker and then he would try again. He knew that his brother was going to keep watch of him once he was out and free to stay at his house recommended that it was free of sharp items or things that could potentially hurt him in any way. Kankri would have a smart tactic and was activate it once Karkat was out of the picture at school or something, he didn’t plan that far ahead yet, he also didn’t know if anyone was going to be checking on him. If they were from the suicide prevention the he would be screwed. 

The worst part about staying in the room by himself was the amount of time spent doing nothing. If anything was going to kill him here it would be the impact of time melting his brain with boredom. At least now that his stomach was no longer in agonizing pain, he could get up and walk around the small room. 

Even though Kankri wasn’t much for exercise; he was more of a thinker, not a do-er, there was not much else to do but work out. He had those weirdly tasting smoothies to help with his nutrients so he could easily start to build muscle. He started off small, just doing stretches and squats, trying to balance was the hardest part he thought. After the first few days of this he got bored so changed his tactics, going to sit ups and press ups.

He never knew why people were so obsessed with working out all day every day, well obviously to have what they think is the perfect body; people were so metro sometimes. But now Kankri thought about it, it might be because they wanted to waste time or get something off their minds, well it was Kankri’s reason for this so it could be for someone else’s reason too. As time went on, he was getting more in shape, well at least he felt more healthy. He used to be really out of breath after just a few sit ups but now he could go twenty without even breaking a sweat. He felt powerful.

At nights he would take a shower along with the watchman, who was surprised to see Kankri more fit and ready. Once he was as squeaky clean as he could be in a small hospital shower, he dried off and laid down for the nights rest, that ghost boy would still come late and they ended up talking all the way until he falls asleep from exhaustion. Kankri didn’t feel safe to sleep at first, he normally told the ghost to just stay in the corner, but now he just didn’t care, the ghost obviously didn’t want to hurt him because otherwise it would have done the deed already and wouldn’t want to just have a chat. 

They talked about a lot of things, Kankri spoke about his brother and why he was in hospital, his school life and his home. Actually most of the time it was the ghost listening to him go on about his life; he didn’t remember anything but the smell of smoke. This ghost boy didn’t even know his name so as being courteous of his feelings and not to be rude and just call him “hey, you” forever more. They thought up a name until it could remember its real name, they agreed on Kyle. Kyle was extremely happy to now have something of value to him, even if it was just a label so Kankri left it as it is. Kyle opened up a lot after a week of appearing at night and having chats, he asked a lot of questions and would always listen with intent to know every part of Kankri’s life. He was like a puppy to an owner and Kankri liked the seriousness that he would receive, not to be brushed away like it wasn’t important. He felt like he was wanted in a sense, even if Kyle was a ghost. 

It was a couple weeks into the suicide watch and Kankri got word that he could go home in a few days since he was doing really well, though he had to keep coming back once a week for counselling. He didn’t care, he just felt happy that he could leave and finally do something other than work out and gulp down those disgusting shakes; he was excited to get bread and butter once or twice a day to start him on solids, which was a plus. 

He lost a lot of fat due to not eating what he used to, drinking those smoothies and working out his body. He had more of a flat stomach but on the other side he still had some pudginess and his thighs were still bulky. Kankri didn’t care about his body, he liked the fact that he didn’t look like a muscle builder. 

It as another day of full on bullshit. Kankri had been doing press ups because hello that’s the only thing he could do to pass the time, his half full cup of evil next to him to swallow down to keep the protein in his system and just about to hit his fortieth push up when he saw something under his bed, glinting from the sun peeking through the windows. Frowning, he crawled under to have a look and what he saw was quite confusing. 

It was a lighter, not one of those new lighters; Kankri didn’t smoke but he knew that this type of lighter was really out of fashion nowadays. He forgot what they were called, he slid out from under the bed to sit on the plush mattress, wiping off the dust from the silver lighter, it was square shaped and he could open the lid to get to the actual light part. Kankri started trying to light it up, flicking the slightly rusty wheel next to the chamber to start the flame but it only sent out sparks. He guessed it didn’t have gas or something to use, he didn’t know if these even used gas, maybe they used flint, it made sense after all. 

“Where did you get that?” The air was extremely cold as the rough tone of speaking rang around the room; Kankri didn’t even feel it until now due to being so focused on his new time waster. He looked up to see the ghost once more and had to do a double take and push himself back in fright. The ghost (that was recently named Kyle but now wasn’t time for fake names) was not himself; he looked angry, almost furious. His dull eyes aflame with rage as they focused on the square lighter in Kankri’s hand, the lights flickering when he took a step forward. 

Kankri had pressed himself back as far as he could to the headboard, he had never seen the ghost so emotional, it was both interesting and frightening. What if Kankri had sparked a memory because of this? He had to know, pulling up his hand and opening up the lighter once more, he flicked at the wheel. “Do you remember something?”

The lights went dead, darkness filling the room, with only the beams of the sunlight just peeking through the blinds creating enough light to see the ghost charging towards him. He didn’t know what to do; he couldn’t think about anything, Kankri could only do one thing in this terrifying moment. 

He screamed.


	4. Chapter 4

“A simple trick of the brain for being isolated” is what the doctor said when Kankri came to. 

The suicide watcher had heard the screaming and burst through the door, grabbing the teen and holding him to the bed, the room was apparently free of everything yet Kankri was still screaming that he had to get out because someone named Kyle was going to get him and that he had done such a terrible thing. Kankri didn’t speak about the lighter though, he hid that very well under his pillow; it was his only safe keep to finding out more secrets on why the ghost boy was acting like the way it did. 

The watcher had spoken about this to the nursing counsellor who sat with Kankri and talked with him in a voice that was smooth as silk yet still sounded patronizing to him. He let it all out then, how he thought the heater was broken because it would go cold in the room, how he found Kyle just staring at him. How he had named a ghost Kyle, it wasn’t his name but he improvised. Kankri blabbed everything out into the open; he probably sounded mad but he needed to say it. 

When the counsellor stood up and thanked him for her time, she spoke about this to the doctor who simply put Kankri on some medicine for the moment to ‘calm his nerves’. It was like sludge, injected into his arm and left to rot in his blood line. It felt like morphine, his eyes blinking lazily, all his body movements seemed so slow and unmoving almost, Kankri hated it. 

He asked in a drunken tone to the doctor why he was on this drug now, he didn’t mean to cause the ghost any harm. The doctor just set his wrinkly hand upon Kankri’s shoulder and said that apparently he had been by himself for so long, which put stress on the brain due to him being such a people person. He left the room after that, the suicide watcher set outside again just in case he goes crazy; how could he when he had this heavy weight put under this skin. 

Just when he was about to fucking leave this shit happens. It is never his day. 

Kankri was put on a straight schedule of counselling for two hours every day, which he didn’t say anything so it was just the nurse being awkward sitting there in silence. He had food now though, bread and a muffin with yoghurt, even if the bread was a bit hard and the muffin was going a bit stale, it was like a delicacy; he had been away from food for too long. 

At night Kankri would wait in fear for the ghost boy to come again but it never did. The room wouldn’t go cold, the lights wouldn’t flicker nor would anything move around the room. It was like the ghost was sulking. Kankri didn’t touch the lighter for a while, scared about the consequences but he knew he had to find out about why Kyle acted like that. Maybe that lighter belonged to him? That flirty nurse said that no one died here, so how did it get under his bed and why wasn’t it just cleaned up and taken away?

It was decided; he would investigate further, even if he was stuck here for a longer time, even if Kyle came back to kill him, he would find out why this ghost was stuck here to suffer. Kankri slept soundly that night, thinking up plans in his dreams about the supernatural.

_______________________

The next few days consisted of Kankri searching for anything in the room that dealt with ghosts, any scratches, chips or dents, any other belongings. Nothing was found though but it didn’t deter him from his investigation. He remembered what the ghost looked like, a rope burn across his neck, slick back hair, eyes that were blank but puffy underneath, sounds a bit like he was either strangled hung himself. He started asking the counsellor about who was in this room before him that were also on suicide watch or had been put in here for a suicide attempt. The nurse was a bit confused by the sudden amount of interest in this and wrote it down in her yellowing notebook; she took any chance she could get to ravel anything out of the teen. She complied with telling him about her knowledge on the subject. 

“There were three other patients that I know of who were put in this room, two of them were being given therapy by myself and another nurse.” She had spoken while writing down in that giant notebook, probably something about Kankri but he didn’t care at this point in time. 

“Who were they?” He started pushing a little more, squeezing her for answers. The counsellor seemed a little on edge about it but she continued to speak. 

“One of them was a lovely patient; he regretted trying to overdose on drugs and waking up in this room brought him a clear path to what he wanted. He told me about his dreams; he wanted to be a painter.” She went off a little to look out the window, blocked a bit by the blinds trying to keep all the sunlight out but some still peeked through. Kankri thought of other questions to say while she daydreamed. 

“And the other? What happened to them?” It snapped the nurse back into reality and she coughed into her fist, willing away the flush in her cheeks.

“The other patient of mine was a girl, she was a very depressed soul and we were working with her for over a year until we saw signs of her getting better.” Kankri didn’t care about the other patient once he found out it was a girl. 

“So the painter, is he free now? What about that third person who was in here?”

The nurse was a bit taken back by all the questions but she answered all the same. “The painter did leave here, he is an artist now. I am happy he is getting on with his life.” 

She looked around the room, back in her daze before speaking. “The third patient wasn’t mine, but it was a long time ago, I started here twenty years ago and the areas around here were very new, not many people came in because they attempted suicide.” 

“So this room has been vacant for how long?” Things were starting to build puzzles in Kankri’s head, his frown deeply engraved in his forehead. 

“The last patient was Lily, who left around two years ago. This room has been used for holding cancer patients as well as suicide prevention.” The nurse shut her notebook and stood up, smiling before stating that the session is ending, thanking Kankri for his time and leaving the room with a gentle click of the door. 

This was very interesting to Kankri; no one here had been around suicide, so the lighter must have been here for a very long time, over two years. It was so confusing yet it made his time here better now he had something to focus on. The teen sat up in his bed, getting comfortable and taking deep breaths as he slid his hand under his pillow, preparing himself for an onslaught and he gripped hold of the lighter. 

Immediately the room went a couple degrees lower, but other than that no change, it was enough evidence to show the ghost boy was there. “I think I know why you’re here; I also think I have an estimate about how long you’ve been here. If you would just come out so we can talk about this.” 

It was wishful thinking but now it started sounding very stupid once he had heard it again. Nothing had happened, only the drop in temperature. He waited though, keeping a calm façade while his mind was thinking up all the possibilities that he wouldn’t turn up. Maybe the heater just broke, maybe he went to a different room, maybe the ghost boy finally got the info it needed and left. 

“I’m not going to call you Kyle anymore, so come out, we can find out who you are together.” Kankri tried again to reason with the cold air but nothing was working, it was still as silent and stale as before. He sighed out in defeat and flipped open the lighter top, flicking the light a flame when there was a cold hand wrapping around his wrist.

Kankri jolted inn fear and looked up at break neck speed, tired eyes being sucked into the lack luster orbs of the ghosts. It didn’t look like it was going to hurt him; it didn’t have that rage in it once more, only sadness written upon its face. Kankri pulled his hand away gently from the ghosts grip, rubbing warmth into the skin once more. 

“I… Want to leave this place.” The ghost boy whispers hoarsely and sat on the end of the bed, wallowing in the depression. “I’m lonely… Take me with you.” 

“I found out that you may have commit suicide here, that maybe you’ve been here for a long time, the nurse I spoke to said that nobody has been in here for suicide for over two years. Even then there was a patient who was a girl so...” Kankri left a space for the ghost to speak but it just looked blankly at him, absorbing all the information. 

“So I think you’ve been here for longer than two years. Do you remember anything since we last spoke?” The ghost raised its hand to reach for the lighter, Kankri handing it over only to have it burn the ghost’s hand and fall through onto the bed sheets. 

“That’s mine, but… I can’t touch it, why can’t I touch it.” It seemed really frustrated, not caring about the pain that hit it when it touched the lighter again, or at least it felt like it would be painful to Kankri, he watched smoke rise from the ghost’s hand as the metal lighter kept slipping through its skin. 

“Maybe you can’t because you’re not connected to it yet? Did you use to smoke?” The watched the ghost nod and keep persevering to lift the lighter but it was futile. It gave up in the end, hugging its knees.

“So we know that you used to smoke, you’ve been a ghost for over two years and you possibly died from suicide.” Kankri was noting this all down in his head so he could research later but the ghost got off the bed all of a sudden, going to the door as if in a trance, it wouldn’t listen when Kankri called out to it. 

It put its hands on the thin window of the door, the glass frosting a little as it looked out into the hospital corridor. “It was the only way to escape.” 

“Escape?” Kankri frowned deep and went to get off the bed, pulling the sheets back. “Escape from what?” 

The ghost wouldn’t answer, it glitches a little before disappearing into the light of the blinking hospital overheads and Kankri was left to pull the pieces of the puzzle together once again.


	5. Chapter 5

Karkat comes by everyday now since he’s on school break, he brings Kankri’s laptop with him and has permission from the doctor; he thought that getting him used to the world by easing him into it via the internet was good for him, he could catch up. Now that he’d been here for a little over two months, it was time to start getting things together to leave the ward and be discharged from the hospital to get on with his miserable life full of therapy and judgment. 

For Kankri, it was an easy access to researching; making a word document before writing down all the information he has on the subject of the ghost. Once he got the wifi password he was away; searching about the suicides from the Derse hospital. He was good with computers and knew how to dig right to the heart of what he wanted from the world wide web. He advanced the search to find the hospital; there were articles on the subject, not many but it was a hope line for Kankri. 

It was mostly just from old newspapers riding the waves of depression to keep the media entertained about the sad lives of sick people. He saw his own article on here since it was the newest shock factor out there, his school had been the victim of the press, one of his favorite teachers had a statement said about him, how he was such a good student and no one saw any signs that he would do such a thing. When he scrolled down he saw himself; one of the pictures of him from the book club was cropped to get identification. It was a nice picture of him, he had his hair cut that day just for the photo, it curved across his cheek and eyes popping out of the picture to make him look mature but his dimples as he smiled made him have a baby face. 

“Don’t look at that!” Oh, he forgot that Karkat was still here; he looked up at the hot head and saw the hurt etched in his eyes, sighing before closing the article to go back to the search engine. 

“I have to get ‘eased into the world again’ don’t I? Might as well start with what people have said about me.” He tapped away on the keyboard, finding a website of an artist, the about me page mentioned that the artist had been admitted to the Derse hospital for a suicide attempt; this must be the one that old nurse was talking about. His art was bright and vivid, like he had been on too much drugs, Kankri didn’t like it all that much and went back. 

“I don’t care! They just lie about you; they used your story as a way of getting paid! It’s sick!” He sat on the bed, pulling his stretched out sleeves over his hands. If he were an animal his fur would be standing on end he looked that pissed off. 

“That’s life, brother.” Kankri had no time to focus on such a tiny effect to someone, it was his story and he didn’t care. Just focused on the other few pages about the hospital; one was a car crash so he ignores it before look at one story that stood out. An actual suicide from within the hospital, apparently it was five years ago, at least that’s when the date of the article was made and posted online. Kankri ignored the screeching rant from his brother to lean in and read more of the paragraphs. 

Apparently a patient named C. Ampora was admitted to the Derse hospital on the ties that he attempted suicide by drug use. After a stomach pump he was left in a suicide watch but it doesn’t tell Kankri about the room number. C. Ampora woke up and immediately went berserk, supposedly attacking a nurse and was confined to isolation. The patient was then held under serious watch and was found hanging from the light by his bed covers wrapped tight around his neck, the police had made a statement on the subject; it was possible that it was a homicide or a suicide but due to not having enough evidence it was put on a cold case and left as a write off as a suicide. Kankri laid back against the flush pillows and copy pasted the article into the word document he made about the information on the ghost. It was an interesting case; it explained the burn like marks on the ghost boy’s neck to show that he had been strangled, didn’t explain the lighter but it hopefully would in time.

Karkat was still hollering about how the media is a horrible place and the world is cruel, Kankri had enough. He set his hand down on his brother’s knee and looked him straight in the eye, a kind smile across his face. “Stop worrying about me, I know you’re angry but turn that anger into something that could make a change. Shouting to me about how the world’s not fair isn’t going to solve anything. I’m fine, or well, will be fine.”

“You tried to kill yourself, Kan. You’re not fine.” Karkat deadpanned and Kankri just shrugged looking back to his laptop to get up a game, turning it so his brother could see the screen.

“Let’s play scrabble, yeah?” He knew that Karkat wouldn’t let it go but it calmed him down for the moment with a grumble which is all Kankri wanted. They were both pretty good at spelling and puzzles so scrabble was a simple game for them but it was one of their favorite games they used to play together as kids. That was actually pushed on by their father due to him being serious when it came to school; he wanted his children to have the perfect education but it kind of led to a halt due to the whole trying to die palaver. He hasn’t spoken to his father since that night, he had acted normal before his death, not bringing attention to the fact he was stealing every pill he could from the cabinet. 

It wasn’t easy to slip things by his father but when it happens it normally doesn’t for long, he was laying in the bathtub because he knew that his body would try to reject the amount of medicine now running through his system, the door was locked but that doesn’t stop his father. He was starting to fade; darkness taking his emotions and making them numb, his body slowly shutting down before he heard the soft thumping and a gentle shout, his ears obviously weren’t working properly, he knew that his father wasn’t that quiet when wanting someone’s attention. He was already unconscious when his father burst through the door, having broken the lock, Kankri imagines his body and how it must have looked pathetic with all the empty packets of medication just laying around the bath, he imagines that he would look like he was sleeping, peaceful yet in so much pain. The thought that hit him the most was the fact that his own father had to find him slipping into the realm of death. 

They were playing happily though, forgetting about troubles apart from the problems in this scrabble. The nurse came in around half past four with a tray of food and a milkshake, reminding Karkat that he would have to leave soon; he just nodded and placed his next letter on the online board. She set the tray down on the side table next to the bed, smiling at Kankri before leaving with a gentle click of the door. 

Karkat had won the game by a landslide but he was stubborn, wanting to at least finish the game, but when they did finish it was a few minutes before visiting time was over. Kankri closed his laptop and hugged his brother goodbye, waving as he left the room with a grumble. He waited a little while, taking in the silence before opening up his laptop again and bringing up the word document, wanting to read it all just so he’s clear on every part of the article. Kankri wanted to know more though; why did the ghost boy say it was the only way out? What was he trying to do when he attacked that nurse?

Either way he couldn’t get any further because he didn’t actually have the ghost to question so he just went online, logging into facebook; the last time he was on this was when he had set a status saying he was sorry before quickly logging off. Now he saw fifty notifications and twenty inboxes, most of the notifications were people from his school, writing get well posts on his wall. One stood out though; his best friend Porrim, she had wrote a giant paragraph about how selfish he was for doing what he did, not saying anything and keeping everyone in the dark. Kankri did feel a little guilty about not telling anyone but not enough that he regretted attempting what he had done, they might have stopped him and that was not an option for him at the time. 

In his reminiscing, there was a chat box that popped up; he was expecting it to be Porrim because of the wrath she left on his wall but no, it was a surprise to see Meulin. Her cat signs were always a big trait for her, she was so positive too, Kankri sometimes thought it was because she couldn’t hear anything or anyone talking negatively, but he remembered that she could read people’s lips and he deflated a little. 

Meowlin Leijon  
Posted 5:16pm  
(=｀ω´=) HEY KATKRI! HOW ARE YOU? PEOPLE ARE FURRY WORRIED ABOUT YOU! 

He typed back quickly as to not make her worry so much, keeping it as short and sweet as he could. 

Kankri Vantas  
Posted 5:18pm  
I am fine thank y9u, Meulin. Yes I have 6een at the h9spital and y9u pr96a6ly kn9w why with the wh9le sch99l talking a69ut me. 

They went back and forth for a while, he was just talking about how he was coping, what he was up to – N9thing much t9 6e perfectly h9nest – and she spoke about how the school was holding up, everyone that had been close to Kankri were allowed to be counseled by the school nurse and Karkat had to take a week off, he already knew that but he didn’t want Meulin to stop while she was explaining. It was still a big thing to read; he didn’t know that he made that much of an impact in people’s lives in anyway. He knew his family was going to grieve a bit and his friends would be sad for a short period of time but he thought that if he died, they’d completely forget about him within a few months.  
Meulin had told him about how the school brought in outside sources to make workshops on the things that people needed to know about; bullying, peer pressure, suicide and depression. He brought that upon the school with the shock factor of his news, he made them see that it was needed, that others could be feeling the exact same thing. 

Kankri spoke about what the doctor had told him; he would be discharged from the hospital in the beginning of next month, which was only a couple more weeks away so it was exciting for him. He was also dreading it because it would mean he would be going back to school a month after he goes back home. It was all too fast for him but it was easier to just get on with his life and not keep holding himself back, he was used to sucking it up when it came to dealing with his problems. 

They ended the conversation when Meulin warned Kankri about Porrim’s wrath, she was online and would want a lot of begging for forgiveness. He started the conversation with a timid hello, which got ignored for a good while, even though Kankri knew that she had seen it. He tried again. 

Kankri Vantas  
Posted 5:57pm  
I kn9w y9u are angry with me, I’m s9rry I didn’t tell y9u. 

Porrim Maryam  
Posted 6:03pm  
Angry wo+uld be an understatement. 

Kankri Vantas  
Posted 6:05pm  
Y9u w9uld have tried t9 st9p me, P9rrim. Please understand 6eing in my p9siti9n. 

That’s when Porrim went ballistic at him, full on ranting, paragraphs of rage spewed into the chat box; Kankri just let it happen, wanting his best friend to let out everything she was holding inside. He wasn’t going to grovel for her though, he had to do what he had to do when he thought that he had enough and she was not going to make him feel bad for it. 

He knew how to calm her down though and within a short time of him accepting her wrath and replying to her rant, she calmed right down, he even told her that he could visit her any time he wanted. 

Porrim Maryam  
Posted 6:47pm  
Kanny yo+u kno+w I wo+uld lo+ve to+. I can co+me to+mo+rro+w at two+? 

Kankri Vantas  
Posted 6:49pm  
9f c9urse y9u can, P9rrim. I’ll 6e waiting.

He gave her the room number he was in and then it ended the conversation with a happy goodbye. At least he knew that the friendship wasn’t in danger and he could still hang around with her at school when he returns. He had enough of Facebook when a person from his school popped up trying to get information from him; he logged off and started playing games until a nurse came in to give him his dinner and left, Kankri knew she would be back in an hour to collect the tray of empty cups and bowls.

He caught up with his TV shows, munching away at the badly made hospital food while getting emotionally attached to the characters all over again. He loved his little dramas, he knew he would have to watch these for a long time and he was somewhat glad he had another couple of week in hospital to get through all of them; he had four months’ worth of episodes from three different series, he was going to have no worry about passing the time anymore. 

The night went on; he went through the first few weeks’ worth of episodes from his first series, the nurse did come in to gather the dishes and the tray like Kankri expected, then the ghost boy turned up not too long later, sitting on the bottom of the bed like he usually does, knees up to his chest. Kankri looked up and smiled before pulling up the document. “I found something today that you’d probably want to know.” 

The ghost perked up a little and got closer to the Kankri, looking at the laptop as the screen was turned to him. Kankri explained what was in the article and the ghost boy listen intently, eyes widening at the accusations. “Do you think… I hurt that nurse?”

“What? No, I think you were just stressed or something, maybe she was in the way of you while you were panicking.” Kankri watched the frown get wiped off the others’ face and a smile appeared on the ghost’s mouth, when the ghost smiled before it used to be really creepy but once he got to know what the other was like and how rare the boy smiled, Kankri couldn’t feel uneasy anymore about it. 

“Thank you, I don’t think I would have been a bad person.” The ghost spoke softly as he looked at the laptop again, reading the story over again. Kankri let him, the pointed to the name of the patient’s name in the article. “C. Ampora?” 

“I think that’s your name, do you remember being called that?” The ghost boy squinted as he concentrated, letting out a breath as his dull eyes widened once more.  
“Cronus. When I read that name, all that comes to me is Cronus.” Kankri beamed brightly at the discovery; maybe Cronus was the first name, he closed the laptop and set it on the bedside, facing the blank stare. 

“Well for now we can name you Cronus Ampora. Does that sound alright to you, Cronus?” The smile that rose from Cronus’ face was like nothing Kankri had ever seen before; it made his heart beat a little bit faster.

“I would love that, thank you!”


	6. Chapter 6

Cronus seemed to be at peace for the next few days, his smile was always slapped on his face, Kankri guessed it was because he had a small piece of him that was real. He did that though, he made the ghost happy, the thumping in his chest always tight against his ribcage when he saw the light shine in those blank eyes.

The mood from Cronus mirrored on Kankri, he didn’t even realize it until a nurse brought it up one day as she was giving him his lunch; mushy fruit, a ham sandwich and another disgusting protein shake. He was surprised to notice that part about him, the fact that he was actually happy with this part of him, this ghost that just came into his life by shock. Kankri didn’t know anything about him apart from the few facts that he read on in an article, he didn’t even know if any of it was real and yet he was one of the most focused part of Kankri’s life right now. Probably would be for a long time to come since he was not going to stop until Cronus knew who he was, what he was doing here and why he wasn’t being passed on peacefully. 

He got an awakening from Porrim who came in a lot earlier than she said she would, but her excuse was the fact she was so excited to see him she couldn’t wait until two, Kankri couldn’t be irritated by her at that point. Her hair in a new style; curly and the tips were dyed blonde. She still had that piercing glare to match the metal on her lip, she burst through and shouted at him full force before gripping him tightly and bawling her eyes out, she smothered him in wet kisses and hugs from the tears before getting angry again and smacking him for making her so worried and sad. “You ruined my make up! I didn’t think I was going to cry, but you set me off!”  
After the long sobbing reunion, she sat up on the bed and happily munched through the bag of muffins she had brought, his favorite of course; blueberry. She had coffee as well, but Kankri wasn’t allowed it due to his small diet; it’d do more harm than anything right now so he just shared the muffins. 

They had gossiped about what had been going on in school; Kankri was always the one that would take in the fast pace of Porrim’s ranting, he was he only one in their little group that could. Meulin couldn’t keep up with the speed of her lips and Rufioh just can’t deal with the amount of changes in the school or in the media.  
“So anything going on here? I mean it’s pretty boring huh? No nurses being bitchy?” She had a mouthful of muffin but still looked delicate in her own fierce way, Kankri had to think for a moment before Cronus flashed in his head; should he tell her? He had to tell someone. But should it be her? No. It should be with someone who is a professional. Maybe he should. Possibly. No, he shouldn’t. 

“I think there’s a ghost in this room.” Dammit. Nice one. Porrim was a bit set back by the news, gulping down the mouthful before looking at him more seriously.  
“A ghost huh? Are you sure you’re alright? Didn’t bump your head, did I poison you with these?” She looked at the bag of deliciousness with evil intent, Kankri quickly lifted up the bag to get another out, protecting it. He knew it would be that kind of reaction; Porrim was a person who would only believe if she saw it and Cronus wouldn’t show himself this early in the day.

“I wouldn’t lie; I have no need to, Porrim. Also, I find it to be hurtful that you would think of me like that, also accusing these muffins is just plain rude.” He deadpanned, munching a bite. Porrim made a look of disbelief before letting out a sigh, looking at the time on her designer watch. 

“Alright then, if you think there’s a ghost, then summon it or whatever.” Kankri knew she would ask that, he was getting somewhat pissed that she would just shut him down with so little knowledge on what he was actually saying. Truth be told, he could possibly open the lighter and Cronus would maybe appear but he didn’t know if he was going to attack or not because last time that happened, he wasn’t so friendly. 

“No I won’t summon him, even if he is a ghost; he has rights just like us. It would be rude and discriminative to call upon him.” He folded his arms and turned his head away with a huff, Porrim only scoffed, holding her own belief and Kankri can sulk all he wants if he doesn’t get his way. Tough. 

She did feel sorry for him though; going through what he has alone. Even if he didn’t tell anyone so he would be alone of purpose, she still felt a little twinge of guilt and when she checked her watch again it only made her more distraught. “Okay, okay I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, or the ghost you think exists.” 

“I know he exists Porrim! I know because if he didn’t then how come I have this?” Kankri had enough of her not believing in him, all the time, even before he tried to commit suicide. He ruffled around under his pillow and pulled out the lighter, showing her in triumph. At first she didn’t get the point; it was a lighter, nothing to believe the supernatural, she gave him a look of disapproval and Kankri let out a frustrated huff. “Don’t you see? I don’t smoke and yet this was in my room, under my bed waiting for me to find it, it’s obvious! And when I do this, you’ll see!” 

Porrim still had a deadpan face and when Kankri flicked open the lighter and tried to light up a flame, she wasn’t surprised when nothing happened. “First of all it’s not a lighter; it’s a zippo. Secondly, I told you so, ghosts do not exist.” 

“Then how do you explain the cold air? The shiver down your spine? Oh and the ghost right behind you.” Kankri sat in victory as Porrim turned around only to shriek and push herself back into his lap, Cronus got startled by another visitor and pressed back into the wall, looking at Kankri for help in this situation. “Calm down, Cronus. She’s not going to hurt you; sorry I called upon you without your permission.” 

He just nodded and sat down on the floor against the wall, hugging his knees; he couldn’t deal with the sudden visit and the amount of people, he was alright with Kankri because the teenager didn’t do anything that would be considered over the top, he was trying to help him find out what his life was like before his death. This girl was fierce and frightening, he didn’t know when she would strike at him, if she was at all and he was a bit intimidated by her. Porrim just sat there in Kankri’s arms, eyes wide as she stared at the ghost who was just as scared. “What the actual fuck, are you playing a prank of me, Kanny?” 

“What? No, this is Cronus. Get off me, you are invading my personal space and I find that to be very triggering.” Porrim gave him a look to say she didn’t give a flying fuck, but she got off him, staying close to not get suddenly dragged away into the night. Kankri rolled his eyes at the fear she was thinking; sure Cronus wasn’t the best looking ghost and he has attacked before but he looked like a frightened animal. “Are you alright, Cronus?” 

“Alright?! It scared the shit out of me! And you’re asking if it’s alright?!” Porrim went off on one, but Kankri wasn’t paying any attention to her at the moment, focusing only on the ghost, who nodded and gave a light smile to show he was perfectly fine. It was like that smile made Kankri’s heart stop, he couldn’t look away, Cronus’ smile was so bright it made him flutter his eyes. “Are you even listening to me?” 

It cut him off and it was as if the world paused for a moment, but now it was running again and the light that was around Cronus had now returned to the dim walls, Porrim was staring at him as if crazy, she was worried that he had been day dreaming in her rant so she had to start again, but to Cronus, it was enough to give him that push to stand up and edge a little closer to the new guest. 

The ghost was beginning to get some of his confidence back and he wanted to know more about Kankri; his friends, his family and his home life before coming here, Kankri had spoken about it before with him but now there was someone who wasn’t just Kankri, sitting right there where he could talk to them. He wasn’t angry that he was brought here on a whim and he got the reason why he was needed, plus he was curious and that look Kankri made when he was around his friends was like nothing he had seen before. “I’ve never seen you this active; it’s good to look at… You look cute.” 

Porrim halted her speech and looked back at the ghost, pushing herself back to Kankri, who was staring with wonder at Cronus. He was standing at the bottom of the bed now, arms hugging his body in embarrassment at the confession. The blush that arose on Kankri’s cheeks made him a little worried though, but the teen quickly snapped out of it and gave a soft yet goofy smile of a thank you. 

Porrim was feeling like a third wheel; she just found out that there was a ghost and it was talking and right there, it fucking complimented her best friend and she saw that Kankri had looked like one of those love struck cartoons with love hearts in the eyes. It was really strange to see but it was obvious that this wasn’t a joke or a prank anymore. They were serious, both of them and she was glad to see Kankri so happy after all the shit he had to go through but seriously a ghost? “Kanny, please explain to me as to why you are crushing on a ghost?”

Kankri spluttered and his face flushed once again, he pulled his pillow in front of the two of them and spoke to her behind it like it was a wall and Cronus could definitely not hear him. Cronus was frowning a little; he knew what a crush was and got slightly peeved that this girl just appeared and told Kankri he was crushing on him. Rude. 

Though on the other hand, Cronus did feel a little twinge in his stomach when she had said that, he couldn’t remember what that feeling was like. He couldn’t forget anger or happiness and even confusion but everything else had been a blank for him. This feeling in his gut wasn’t recognizable as happiness or anger or even confusion, though he felt that now. He would ask Kankri later on but for right now he simply waited for the two behind the pillow to come out and speak to him again, he was meant to not hear them so he ignored the slowly rising whispers. 

“Okay enough!” Kankri pulled the pillow down and hugged it to him, sulking while Porrim had a smug look on her face. Cronus broke out into a soft smile to let the other boy know that it was okay he didn’t hear anything. Porrim had checked her watch again and then nodded before facing the ghost head on. 

“So tell me why you’re here.” She was precise, simple and blunt. If Cronus could be even paler right now, he would have blanched. 

“Um I don’t… Actually know?” He looked down in shame as Porrim nodded once more and then turned to Kankri, who was looking at the ghost in sympathy, he then opened up his laptop to give her the information he had on Cronus. 

After a good while of her soaking up the good gossip, she had let out a puff of air. “Okay now I get why you seem so pathetic, okay so! I’ll work out on this too; I’m totally into this now. It’s like I’m this detective on the streets except I’m not in those gross and unfashionable coat and hat.” 

Cronus had been set back by this but he had let her explain what she was going to do; she spoke a lot and with such passion as well, even though she had been against this in the beginning, she was running the place to her own accord now. Kankri had pointed to the bed, saying he should have a seat and Porrim agreed, patting the seat; she was a bit wary when he sat down but when he went into his position of knees to chest, she couldn’t be scared of that. 

She set a plan; she would gather as much information as she could from the outside sources while Kankri was in here searching through the internet. It seemed like a simple plan, Cronus wanted to join in but he knew that it was futile. Once they all agreed, Porrim had lifted up her bag and kissed Kankri’s cheek, leaving the room with a promise that she would talk to him tonight on Facebook and that she would come in on a visit in a couple days, after that she was off into the hallway. 

They sat quietly for a moment before they started off at once. “So um—“

“She’s not—Oh! You go ahead.” Kankri shut his laptop and let Cronus speak, now a little more confident after he let Porrim into his little secret; she didn’t think he was insane, mostly because he had proof but it was enough to make him feel like he wasn’t alone. 

“So um… When you two were talking I got this feeling, in my stomach. Like, it was curling? Kinda warm, I don’t know what it was.” He scratched his arm and looked at the sheets, letting Kankri think for a moment about what that emotion is. Kankri frowned a little and tried to think, it couldn’t have been anger because they weren’t being horrible or discriminative about him. Jealously doesn’t feel like that and Cronus had no need to be jealous. Kankri could think of anything, he went down the long list of what every emotion should feel like to him and he found nothing, shrugging and breaking the news to him that he didn’t know, Cronus just accepted it. “So what was going on about that talk behind the pillow, and that crush?” 

He watched Kankri blanch and let out a little squeak, shutting his eyes tight before planting his face into the pillow; he would have to explain, Cronus would probably let it go if he asked to but he didn’t want to, he was going a little crazy when he thought about Cronus and he had to stop all of this. He wanted to say something, anything. Porrim had told him not to say anything because hello? He was a ghost and he wouldn’t be able to date a ghost, even if he wasn’t against any gender or sexuality, he didn’t think dating a ghost would qualify as normal. Dammit, he was such a coward. 

“I’ll tell you some other time.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm really sorry about the delay with this chapter. I've been through a little too much these past weeks and completely forgot about posting chapter 7! Sorry, forgive me!

They had a due date finally. In two weeks’ time Kankri will be discharged from the ward and into his house. He was ecstatic to hear that he would be leaving‚ though he was worried due to the fact that he doesn’t know if his father will be thinking about him and what he did. He also isn’t happy about having to be supervised by suicide preventers but at least that will only last a few weeks and then he will just have his therapy and his family keeping tabs to the ward.

He and Cronus have been slowly training the ghost to come and go when he pleases, so far he could appear only when he is called or when Kankri is holding the lighter – or ‘zippo’ as Porrim politely suggested – and he could disappear when he wanted. This was a huge improvement and it made the boy swell with pride, Cronus was happy to come whenever he wanted and talk to Kankri at all times of the day, not just for night time talks.

Through his time here‚ Kankri has never had as many visitors than he has now‚ apparently Porrim had spoken about how he was now accepting visits in school to everyone and now he has at least two people coming by to see how he’s doing. Not that Kankri was completely against it but he still wanted a say in who he wanted to see, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to see his friends, it’s just a little difficult to talk to people when you’ve just gone through something so huge, he needs to be slowly edged into the world again, not all at once.

Sure, it was good to see his friends though; Meulin was a little hard to talk to due to her speaker not coming along all the time so Kankri couldn’t really understand all that much but he got the jist that she missed him and wished him well. Rufioh came by a lot because of his brother having check-ups on his back. He was so easy to talk to and always seemed to understand what to say at the right time; when Kankri was in a mood he would just lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen to him rant, when he was happy they would talk about whatever they wanted. Rufioh even joked sometimes to make him laugh but he would always make the jokes that wouldn’t be considered triggering just to make Kankri happy. He also kept Kankri up to speed with the school, talking about new exchange students and homework, upcoming exams for the lower years and such. It was nice to talk about society without having to gossip.

Most of the time it was Porrim who kept coming almost every day; she loved seeing her best friend and besides; she brought gifts and most of the time they were his favourite muffins so he couldn’t ask her to leave. Not that he was stingy or anything, it was simply a plus to have sweet foods added to her company. She had taken a huge liking to Cronus and would always try to bring him out when she came, sometimes Kankri thought that was all she was here for.

At the moment, they were enjoying strawberry bonbons, sitting on his bed, Porrim was at the bottom while Kankri sat at the top, leaning on the pillows. “So, why are you here?”

Cronus was also at the bottom of the bed, in his usual position; knees to his chest. Kankri was going to say something for the third time about her rudeness to the ghost but he quickly spoke up in his rough tone. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? Don’t ghosts usually have a purpose or something?” She spoke around the bonbon, sucking the sweetness off before chewing it. Kankri had gave her the rundown of what ghosts usually do very early into knowing about Cronus so that she wouldn’t hurt the ghosts’ feelings or make him lose his confidence. He made sure to tell her about how they came to be and what you should do to set them free into peace but it still didn’t stop her from giving questions to Cronus.

“I don’t think I have one.” He was gentle, his voice was always hoarse so he couldn’t shout, only murmur or whisper but everyone could still hear what he had to say. “I only want to be with Kan.”

Porrim watched as both the boys hid their faces, Kankri’s face ablaze with a hue of pink on his cheeks. She tried ever so hard to get them to finally see the sexual frustration in the air; apparently the crush talk had been pushed under the rug. Cronus lived in a time where crushes didn’t mean love, so Kankri had to explain what a crush was without saying that he had one. It was all very awkward but he made it and Cronus didn’t say anything else about it so it all seemed clear that he didn’t feel that way and Kankri was happily celibate and so wouldn’t mind staying single forever if need be. Porrim was the only one who wanted to see them finally say they liked each other and she would get it eventually.

Kankri quickly evaded that area with asking about the new exchange students which Porrim gobbled up with a gasp and went straight into it, talking about who they were, what year they were in and what classes they were taking. She apparently had to be paired up with one of the students because she was so well known around the school. The girl was named Latula and she would be in our group when he came back, she had some language barriers to overcome since she was French but Porrim learned that when she was young and would happily be a translator in case no one understood her. Kankri was glad to know about this in case he was rude in front of her by not knowing what she was saying.

Cronus was just listening along with the gossip; he didn’t know much about the school systems and was trying to remember if he even went to school himself, but he was learning about himself. As he listened in, his eyes kept wandering across the Kankri’s face, the soft skin of his nose and the way he licked his lips after he chewed and swallow the bonbons. Cronus bet they tasted delicious and was suddenly saddened now that he couldn’t eat, he had tried before but it just doesn’t work, his stomach doesn’t seem to like things being consumed and it hurts to swallow anything. He rubbed his neck thinking about it, he hates it. At least he isn’t hungry; something that he noticed once it was brought up, he was never tired nor hungry.

“Cronus?” He looked up to see the two looking at him; apparently his eyes swept to the bonbons and was staring at them with want. He bowed his head in shame and apologized but the by shook his head, smiling and getting a sweet out, holding his hand open. “You can try one if you want, I was worried last time; you said it hurt to swallow.”

“Oh well that’s just a _damn_ shame.” Porrim giggled and Kankri frowned a little before blushing heavily and giving her a glare, Cronus didn’t really get it and reached out for the bonbon; it shouldn’t be that hard, they trained him to try and pick things up. He had to think really hard when he pinched the sweet and lifted it from Kankri’s palm, quickly bringing it to his mouth and putting it in and tasting the flavour on his tongue.

“This… Strawberry?” He questioned and Kankri smiles, overjoyed of how far the ghost has gotten; from only appearing a few hours a night and remembering nothing about himself, now to be this powerful and now have a few facts about him and quickly learning the world through this glitch. Sometimes Kankri wouldn’t even know he was a ghost; Cronus was like any other person, dead or not. He had feelings and senses, thoughts and humor, he was learning how to learn the modern lifestyle and also catching up on memories that he had lost and even if they were minimal he was happy.

They continued to speak while Cronus tested out his taste buds, somehow even though Porrim was loud and took up the whole room with her ego and confidence; it was the ghost boy that got Kankri’s stare. He couldn’t look away, he didn’t want to.

\----------

One week five days and Kankri would be free from this ward. Free from all the nurses who give him pitying looks as they go by the room. Free from the counsellor who doesn’t really care about his health. Free from it all.

What he was dreading a little bit was the fact that once he was gone, he had a funny feeling in his gut told him; Cronus wasn’t going to follow him. Cronus can’t move out of the hospital. He would be stuck in this building forever as a lost soul. The thought of that just made Kankri want to puke and cry for him; no one should have to be stuck in one place. He wanted to be with Cronus; help him through learning the new life, even if he couldn’t be seen by most people he could still be a normal human, just in ghost form. He wanted Cronus to be happy, that was all.

Nothing was strange about the way they acted, when Cronus wanted to try eating or drinking something and couldn’t lift it up, Kankri would feed him. When Cronus wanted to see what the new laptops were all about, Kankri scooted over so he could look over his shoulder. Even when Cronus just wanted a place to lie, he would always come to Kankri now to snuggle up and relax; it was the closest thing to sleep he could get.

That wasn’t weird at all, it was just two friends who have been through a tough time and supporting each other through it.

“What’s that?” A finger pressed on the screen of the laptop, pointing to a game on the side. Kankri was letting him lean on his shoulder as he went on the internet for studies. The study session ended up being Kankri showing Cronus new music videos and reading online comics.

“That is called advertisement; it tries to get the viewers’ attention by flashing and preaching fake hope for people who are gullible.” Cronus nodded as he watched the advert pop up and down, promising the game won’t be like all the other games, when they say that everyone knows it’s going to be the exact same.

“You’re too smart to fall for that, Kan.” His cheeks brightened up at the compliment; Cronus had been dropping a lot of those lately, he didn’t mind it because body and mind positivity was great and all but it really made him embarrassed.

“Why do you say all that stuff to me?” He spoke softly, looking over at the ghost looming over his shoulder and staring dazedly at the bright laptop screen.

“Because I love seeing your eyes widen and your cheeks go red. Red suits you, Kan” And there was another blush coming along, it was like he really wanted Kankri to say something, not just a reaction. Cronus leaned forward more and pointed to the next music video. “This one, it looks colorful in the mini box.”

Kankri moved the mouse over it and clicked, he didn’t like these kinds of songs, he was more into the classical type of music but he didn’t want to discriminate against the style that Cronus liked. He watched the guitarist pluck at the strings and softly sing into the microphone, the lyrics were truly modern, singing about love and wanting his girlfriend back in his arms.

“I know this song.” Cronus blurted out and Kankri quickly turned his head at breakneck speed. “Yeah, yeah this is um… Hurt. Yeah!”

“Cronus you remember this song? What else do you know; The people you were with? Where you were?” He wanted to suck this up as much as he could since this was what they wanted; information on what Cronus’ life was like when he was alive. This was a huge start to them.

“Yeah. Um... I was uh. I was… I was copying the song.” He had his eyes trained on the guitarist on the video, concentrating as hard as he could.

“You were playing to guitar? Singing along? Do you remember being a singer or playing an instrument?” He had to hold himself back, he was coming on strong. Cronus sighed angrily when the song ended, saying how the moment was lost. He tried playing it again but the ghost boy forgot about that moment. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, at least you know that you played this song when you were alive.”

“It’s frustrating… I want to remember so I can tell you what kind of life I had.” He leaned back against the pillows, resting his head on Kankri’s shoulder.

“So you can find out what your unfinished business is?” Kankri murmured and Cronus shook his head, mumbling before going silent. When Cronus got into this kind of mood it was hard for Kankri to get him out of it, he normally left the room when it came to this but now he was just laying with his head on Kankri’s shoulder, silent. “I’m sorry.”

“I want to stay with you. Forever. That is my unfinished business.” A soft voice breathed out and Kankri had a loss for words. He didn’t want to ruin the moment for Cronus or for himself, it was like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. Cronus didn’t have any breath so Kankri couldn’t feel him breathe; only the slight pressure on his shoulder and side was there for him.

Porrim spoke a lot about how they would be a cute couple. When she comes to visit she’s always trying to match them up, maybe she knew it would work out. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking; he was celibate and Cronus was a ghost. He told himself a long time ago to not hold himself back from how he felt or what he should react to. It’s what got him in this position right now, if he didn’t take the final plunge then he never would have met Cronus, he would be living a boring life with no one to understand him. Cronus did.

Maybe he did like Cronus. Just a little. Just a _teeny tiny_ bit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys I am glad you like thi so much, I'm so happy to have these wonderful comments!! 
> 
> I'm writing another story about mermaids and humans so if that's your thing then check out my other story The Trapped Merman. --> archiveofourown.org/works/2162205/chapters/4727298

One week left until this is all over, he could go home. 

This is all Kankri wants right now. He wants a place where he can have a relaxing bath by himself, with candles preferably scented and soft music playing in the background. He can get the smell of hospital right off his skin and from his hair while he soaks in the heat of the water, not like these showers in the ward; they’re cold and quick and he doesn’t get to relax one bit with someone else in the room, even if they are there for his safety he doesn’t really want somebody to be listening to him shower. 

That being said, Kankri has noticed while doing his daily countdown of days. Cronus doesn’t seem nearly as happy as he is on the subject of leaving. It’s understandable that the ghost would be worried, mostly because both of them didn’t know if Cronus would be following when Kankri left, but the least he could do is feel a little happiness that Kankri would be free from the ward.

He and Cronus have been working more on training; it’s easier for Cronus to lift things now, he doesn’t have to have an internal aneurism from concentrating so hard. 

He can also go through objects as they both surprisingly found out one day while Cronus was trying to be brave and tried to open the door to go out into the hall, in Kankri’s eye sight of course. The door opened suddenly as a nurse flew in, Kankri thought that the ghost would just poof away and come back later but he noticed Cronus was still there with his arm through the door and a shocked look on his face, it was almost enough to laugh at but he would look strange in front of the nurse so he trained his eyes away to focus on her. 

Since then though they’ve had more time to thoroughly go through what happened and Cronus has been putting his arms and legs in walls but he always complains that it feels like he’s being violated. Also although Cronus doesn’t say anything about that topic, Kankri thinks it’s also probably because only ghosts can do that sort of thing and it makes him sad, so they don’t do it often.

 

\----

 

Only five more days left and Kankri was feeling good about himself; the counseling has started early so they could deal with small matters first, also to make sure that he is getting a good feel on what it’s like to be in a therapy session, even though he’s already been in plenty he plays along for them so they think they’re doing their job. 

Karkat has been coming recently, only a couple hours a day; he wants to catch up on the loss of school time dealing with Kankri’s mess. He knows that his brother doesn’t blame him for what happened but Kankri feels like he held him back due to being selfish, he hates that feeling and he doesn’t really want to talk about it with him so he holds it in until Karkat leaves so he can cry to himself. 

Cronus stays in the room most of the time but stays away when someone visits; he doesn’t want to overhear something that doesn’t want to be heard. He just ends up overthinking things like ‘what if I’m here forever?’. He doesn’t want to be such a dim person but well, he’s a ghost so it’s in the job description. 

He wants to stay with Kankri for a really long time, enough time that he doesn’t ever want to leave the brunette’s side. When he’s with Kankri, he feels like he can be alive again, that’s a cheesy way of thinking but that’s his way of thinking; Kankri makes him alive. He wants to feel that everyday all day for the rest of his life and Kankri is such great company as well, even if he talks a little too much about himself and peace and triggers and every little detail. He doesn’t care, in fact Cronus thinks it’s kind of cute in a way and on a plus side to that, he can also know about the world in that way too. How much it’s changed since he’s been… Gone. 

Right now he’s just waiting for Kankri to call him; he got a visit from a guy with a bright red Mohawk and a strange bone encrusted jacket. He liked the look of the guy but he knew to keep his distance in case someone leaked that Kankri saw ghosts. It’s kind of lonely only having Kankri and Porrim to talk to but he knows the drill. In time he would be able to make friends, he’s sure he will, though the thoughts come up again; he might not be able to leave, he might have to stay in this place forever with no friends, no Kankri. That’s a road he just doesn’t want to go down.

He’s been thinking about himself; trying to remember what it was like to be alive and attempting to bring up memories of anything. He knows he used to play guitar, he used to smoke, his name and his age but he wanted more, that wasn’t much for his life. He wanted to know how he died, Kankri suggested that it might be from strangulation or suicide, either way it’s with a rope and that’s probably why he has rope marks and his throat is always sore. He still wants to know more about himself, he will be grumpy about this until something changes his mind, which might be a while because Kankri is still talking to that red mohawk guy.

 

\----

Four days left, another visit from Porrim. She didn’t stay that long this time and she won’t be coming again, she said so herself. “Kanny, the next time I’m going to see you is when you’re sipping your favorite tea from your favorite mug at your house.”

 

Cronus felt a little disheartened by that; he only has a small amount of people he can talk to and if Porrim isn’t going to come anymore then it’ll be just him and Kankri getting by until the inevitable discharge. He doesn’t want to be alone so he’s trying to make the best of the few days he has left just in case he can’t go with Kankri. 

They were all sitting down on the bed, discussing what they would do when Kankri is allowed to leave and the boy was discussing about what shopping malls look like now since Cronus was there; the new sales and food, also what the neighborhood looks like now. Cronus was excited to finally leave this place, he still had a funny feeling that he wouldn’t be able to, that he would be locked here forever but he kept up the happy attitude just in case Kankri caught wind of it and it in turn dampened his mood as well. He wouldn’t have Kankri being sad just because he’s a little worried, he wasn’t this passionate before when he spoke, probably because of the fact he was stuck in this place, but it doesn’t matter all that much now since Kankri would be free soon. 

He wanted to watch his face when they opened the door and said that it’s time to leave, that he could be let out. Cronus wouldn’t be able to see it, he knows considering that if other people see him it wouldn’t be good. he could imagine it though, something like Kankri’s smile becoming brighter and his eyes widening a little like when they would talk about something he loved and he got to talk in depth about it. 

Cronus couldn’t help it, he can admit it to himself that he has indeed fallen for the boy, who not so long ago tried to end his own life. It was sad that they met only because Kankri wanted to die, he was in a state to kill himself and Cronus had just barged in with his ghosty form, that’s how he thinks anyway, he knows that Kankri would argue that Cronus coming to him in the night was the best opening for a new life. 

He just couldn’t say he liked Kankri to his face, he couldn’t. It’s not fair on them both. 

 

\----

It was the last night of this place and Kankri would be going home in the morning at half past ten. 

He could barely make himself sit still, let alone sleep. He and Cronus stayed up until well past his body clock, Kankri checked the time on his laptop and it showed up as five in the morning, that’s probably why he could see the faint outlines of morning light peeking through the cracks of the blinds. 

It doesn’t matter, once he was free of this place and back in his own bed, he could sleep as much as he wants at any time. Cronus doesn’t need to sleep as well so they sat up in Kankri’s bed, the laptop on his lap and the ghost’s head on his shoulder while they watched reruns of old soap operas. 

Since these past few days, Cronus has found out that he used to watch the show Friends; he pointed it out with a beam and said he knew what the character’s name was because he used to be obsessed with them. It was a huge boost for them both these last few days, just what each of them needed. When they found that out, Kankri found all the links to the seasons and had a whole marathon of each episode. It lasted for two days and by the end of it they couldn’t hold the theme song back, singing it loudly. Though to the people outside the door in the ward it must have sounded like Kankri had gone mad. 

They had watched one of Kankri’s favorite movies as well; Love Actually. It was sappy and Cronus pretended to snore half way through much to Kankri gasping dramatically in horror. It was apparently a very moving story though Cronus didn’t buy it and attempted to move on with their last nights of fun. 

Through this all, Kankri had been patient with Cronus, letting him learn how to be human again even if he couldn’t be seen or heard by anyone but him and Porrim. He could lift things up for long periods of time and he had tried to type away at Kankri’s laptop, bringing up Facebook yet again. 

Kankri was thinking that he would delete it because everyone had made him feel really uncomfortable, friend requests would come in twice a day, much to his declining. Also they would be posting on his wall about how much of a good person he was and to talk to them if he needed anything. He didn’t know half of these people but because he had a news story about him and it had gone around the school, neighborhood and maybe more, he doesn’t know. He must be like a mini celebrity. 

The thought of that was sickening; who would make someone famous just because they tried to take their own life. it certainly got people’s attention but it was the wrong kind, they only wanted to be friends with him because he had done such a foolish thing, it of course wasn’t foolish at the time and he was a hypocrite for saying that it was stupid but to have a fanbase because of it made him hate himself a little more.

“Don’t let them win, they’re being so nice and maybe they care about you now but please don’t let them win. Don’t let them get in your head.” Cronus pleaded gently against his shoulder, bringing him back to reality. He had gone off into a rage daze and had started to frown and worry his lip with his teeth. 

“I’m sorry. This is our last day and I brought something silly up.” He bowed his head and exited out of the website. Cronus shook his head and let out a sad sigh, staring ahead at the screen.

“No, I did that, I brought up the website, I shouldn’t touch your stuff, Kan.” Kankri blinked for a moment and nodded, trying to change the mood by putting on another movie, this was a musical that he hadn’t watched before; Hairspray. Maybe that would cheer them up a little. 

They cuddled up a little closer together and watched in silence but Kankri knew that Cronus’ eyes were darting back and forth between the film and his face, probably to watch the reactions. He wouldn’t say anything though of course. 

He knew there was something between them but he wouldn’t say anything just in case he got the wrong idea and Cronus pushed him away. He felt something for the ghost and he knows they couldn’t be together even though they were together every day for the time he’s been here. He felt somewhat saddened that if they both left then they wouldn’t be able to have moments like this anymore so he settled down and let Cronus watch him as he made snippy remarks about the style and language that the movie actors were making. 

Maybe he felt a little bit worried that they wouldn’t have this again, maybe if Cronus couldn’t leave the hospital and this was their last night together forever. He trusted Cronus would be by his side no matter, that’s what counts. 

And with that, he gently placed a kiss to the chilled cheek of the ghost and pretended that the widened blank eyes weren’t staring in disbelief at him. He innocently watched the movie as if nothing had happened.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, sorry about this being so late, my computer is having major troubles and is getting fixed really soon!  
> Also you guys should go and read my new story A Trapped Merman! archiveofourown.org/works/2162205/chapters/4727298

The light shone through the blinds, the brightness was enough to make Kankri’s eyes hurt even with them shut. It was morning. His last morning, and with that he quickly sat up. 

Cronus had been watching over him the whole night, sitting at the bottom of the bed and attempting to use Kankri’s laptop, every now and again he would mess up and not be able to type, he got pretty frustrated but always persevered and now he was typing away on it, he even got the charger with a little effort to plug it in. It was like he was a new human minus the visibility problems but they would get over that if Cronus went with Kankri when he was allowed to be discharged. 

He lifted his head and watched Kankri rub the sleep out of his eyes, the rays of sunshine hitting his hair through the line in the blinds, making the chocolate locks to almost glow. It was one of the many things he would miss if he couldn’t leave this place, only one of them in the long list of reasons, another was this laptop. “Mornin’ sleepyhead.” 

“Mm…” Kankri stretched out his back and sighed in pleasure when it popped, leaning back into the pillows and yawned into his hand. Another thing Cronus would miss; those moments when Kankri wouldn’t care about what he looked or sounded like and just faced him raw. Kankri noticed that the ghost was on his laptop and reached forward to pull it away. “How long have you been on this?”

“Since you fell asleep, I even picked up the charger and put it in.” Cronus spoke proudly, although a bit uncertain that the brunette would react negatively and say it was a waste of the laptops energy or something. It wasn’t really his fault; the new things he had to learn about the world were so huge and he had such little time to learn about it. He watched Kankri pause before smiling tiredly and nodding in understanding, he was such a good person who didn’t speak that much when he just woke up. Another thing he would miss about the boy; his lack of speech that slowly escalated into full on marathons of paragraphs describing something that Cronus knew nothing about. 

“Mm… Gotta pack.” He flipped the covers back from his bare, tan legs and then quickly pulled them back over, gasping. “Cold.” 

“It’s cold?” Cronus couldn’t feel those sorts of things; temperature had a fault when it came to someone who could go through walls. He never thought he would have missed that, he never really remembered what it was like anyway but yes, he indeed missed feeling cold and warm on his body. Because now he just feels like nothing is touching him anymore, he felt like air. “What’s cold feel like?”

“Hm… Like… Cold.” Kankri shivered a little before reaching over to grab the bag that Karkat had given him the day before; it was filled with Kankri’s clothing, a beanie hat in case he couldn’t fix his hair? A pair of shoes with shoelaces! Something Kankri missed a lot, since he was here he had to wear slip-ons and those baggy hospital clothes. Pulling out the red sweater that Porrim knitted for him, it had fluff on the inside and he knows that she had probably taken a lot of time to make this for him. Kankri was grateful and quickly slipped it on, lying back against the pillow and closing his eyes. 

“That helps a lot, Kan.” Cronus chuckles and rests his chin on his knee; blank eyes watching the boy snuggle into the fluff, breathing in and out of his nose, making the softness move back and forth. He looked like he was in a cocoon. He wondered what that would feel like, having Kankri snuggle up to him like that, how he would react. That was probably never going to happen but Cronus hoped. “Comfy?”

“Mm… I’m going to have to thank Porrim for this.” Once he felt up to the task, which was a hard feat when there’s a warm bed calling against a cold room. He got up and quickly pulled on his skinny jeans – Cronus had never seen trousers like those – it had a long zip line that went up to near his chest, that must feel uncomfortable. Kankri didn’t seem to mind all that much, didn’t look like he was complaining anyway. “What time is it?”

“Nearly ten.” Cronus tried to let the sadness not leak out of his throat but Kankri noticed it and turned to him. 

“You don’t have to worry. You’re coming with me.” He smiled and reached into his bag again to pull out the purple beanie, pulling it over his unruly hair and sorting out his fringe to make himself look more presentable. He then slid his hand under the pillow and gripped the zippo, making Cronus gulp and catch his eyes on the rusty thing, not looking away. “I’m bringing this with me; I know that ghosts stay where something is connected to this world that is meaning to them.” 

“What if I can’t leave though?” 

“I have hope that you will.” He sat back on the bed and brought the covers around him, looking over to the ghost who wasn’t in his best mood. Cronus was thinking about what it was like having to be here alone, without anyone to talk to. He had tried before and no one would listen, he guessed no one was in touch with him, on the same wavelength until Kankri showed up. He sounded selfish but he wanted to stay here with Kankri forever, he didn’t want Kankri to get better so he had to be with him forever and they would be happy together. At least he would. 

Once that thought disappeared he regretted it immediately; he couldn’t exile Kankri like that, it was cruel and he wouldn’t want anything negative to happen to him, even though how they met was because Kankri had done something to himself to get him here in the first place. 

They spoke for a while – mostly Kankri speaking about what it would be like for him to live in the Vantas household; what each person was like in his house and what would be happening with Cronus if he was to come with him; he wouldn’t be able to speak loudly because the walls were thin and he doesn’t even know if his father will let him in the house, what if he doesn’t want to be around Kankri because of what he did? – until there was a knock at the door and Kankri shut the laptop as the flirtatious nurse came in with Karkat following along behind her, hands stuffed into his pockets. Cronus didn’t want to leave but went straight into the corner because he felt terrible when someone walked into him, really nauseous feeling in his gut. “Your brother is here to take you outside, packed everything up honey?” 

Kankri nodded and got off the bed to slip into his shoes and tie the laces up. He would be glad that she wouldn’t be coming with him to the entrance; he wanted to be away from her as quick as possible because she was a little too head-on for him and it made him slightly uncomfortable whenever she was in the room. Stuffing the zippo into the bag along with his laptop, Kankri lifted the bag over his shoulder and Karkat quickly gave his brother a hug; Karkat hadn’t been around the hospital for a little while and it was a little lonely but he knows it would be better to meet again once he knows he could take Kankri home. 

“Dad’s driving us.” Karkat mumbled into Kankri’s shoulder and the eldest froze, unable to think about anything but the thought of ‘what if?’, it was seriously stressful and he gripped his brother tighter, fingers digging into his jumper. 

The nurse opened up the door again and Kankri looked over to the corner of the room where Cronus was hugging himself. The ghost had been watching closely and the feeling finally came to him that Kankri would be leaving, he waved and saw Kankri smile softly, the last thing Cronus would probably see from the boy. Karkat took Kankri’s arm and tugged him along, outside. “You don’t have to be nervous, I’ll protect you.”

“You don’t have to protect me, I am older and I shouldn’t have to have you put that responsibility on your shoulders.” Karkat stopped, let out a sigh and turned to face his brother. 

“Just stop. You are still on suicide watch and I’m going to watch you, even though you have a fucking guard dog to watch your every move.” 

“Language.” Kankri spoke softly, feeling guilty. Hearing that he would have to have a suicide prevention person at their house just made him look at the floor in shame; he shouldn’t put his brother through that. Karkat was only two years younger than him but he felt like he matured his brother by attempting suicide, it shaped him and Kankri couldn’t face the fact that yes, even though he did try, he didn’t regret it because now he saw his brother’s face, he noticed how painful it was to be brave about this subject. 

“Whatever, I’m here because I want to keep you in my life, you matter to me and I’m going to protect you whether you like it or not.” He glared a moment and Kankri felt slightly intimidated; his brother is willing to put everything on hold to just watch and protect his older brother when that shouldn’t be put on him. For a moment, it made Kankri well up but he blinked it away, not wanting to cause any more emotion on Karkat’s face. He nodded and looked over at the corner again and found that Cronus was no longer there, he couldn’t blame him; it was hard watching this and he might have felt uncomfortable, the nurse might be feeling that as well. 

“Let’s go, I can’t wait to take a shower in my own house.” He tried to lighten the mood with a joke and let out a small chuckle but quickly cut it out when Karkat’s face dropped. That’s where they found him; in the bath tub. How could he forget something like that? Saying that must have triggered Karkat to remember that day, he probably couldn’t even go in there without thinking about it and thinking about that, he looked down and just started walking, bringing his brother along. “I apologize.” 

They went outside and Karkat signed him out for discharge, his doctor waving him out with a laugh and a joke about not to see him again in the future. They strode in silence, Kankri following Karkat into the car park where he spotted a red Honda Civic and in the front seat was his father, glasses on and reading a book. Karkat opened up the passenger door and let Kankri sit in the front while he went in the back. Kankri didn’t want to sit next to his father because it was the first time he would see that face in a long time, he had to do it though and soon enough he set his bag in the back with his brother and slipped on his seatbelt with a click, looking the other way, out the car window. 

He heard his father fumble around with the book and keys jingling before the car roared to life and his father backing up to get out the parking spot and out the hospital car park. The journey felt like forever, even though it was probably a half an hour drive. Kankri stayed silent through all of it, keeping his eyes on the view outside, mostly because he didn’t want to look at his father but also because he hadn’t seen the outside world for ages and watching the trees zoom by and the cars whoosh and over-take each other made him feel like he should have been out here a long time ago. It was refreshing being in a stuffy car, listening to the music on the radio and Karkat singing softly like he didn’t know everyone could hear him instead of watching those four walls and a hallway that was filled with beeping and moans of sick people. He breathed in the homely air that smelled like cinnamon and cologne instead of alcohol wipes and sanitizer. He missed this but he doesn’t regret what he’s done, he will always repeat that to himself. 

Going through their neighbourhood was one of the hardest parts. People apparently knew he was coming home because they were all looking at the car and whispering, almost a crowd all through the cul-de-sac, heading to their house which was open and people flowing in and out. It makes Kankri feel uncomfortable. “Why are there so many people here?”

“Your friend asked permission to give you a welcome home party.” The first time Kankri heard his father speak for a very long time and it shocked him for a moment before he looked around and recognised people; they were all from his school or clubs he was in. They all saw him and waved, wanting to get a shot at seeing Kankri first. 

“Father, this is without my permission. I just wanted to relax in my home without anything giving me the spotlight, not coming home to this.” He was starting to feel the anxiety awaken inside him. This wasn’t right; he knows that only one of his friends would have asked his father to do a giant party in Kankri’s name and he knows that there can only be one other person who is actually organised enough to do this party without any fail; Porrim and Horuss. 

When they pulled up in the driveway, Karkat was the first to get out and was nimble enough to slip through the crowd and up to his room for the rest of the day; he had a lock on his door. Kankri was beginning to hate the fact that he caused this much attention and he was really starting to feel his panicking itch at him. He grabbed at his arms, scratching them slightly but had his hands grabbed and looked up to see his father staring back at him. “None of that, stop hurting yourself.” 

Kankri couldn’t understand for a moment why his father would react in such a manner; he wouldn’t care when he was alone feeling depressed but when he was doing something that could calm him down even for a moment, he wasn’t having any of it? Maybe he had been doing research about things Kankri doesn’t know. Either way he felt a sense of pride that his father was quick to come to his aid even if he didn’t need it. 

They got out the car and right away Kankri spotted the pierced woman bound over and he moved out the way before he could be glomped and held to her breasts. 

Horuss made his way over here to greet him; Horuss hadn’t been to the hospital at all but Kankri didn’t put it past his tall friend because he knows that Horuss has some problems with one to one contact, he gets very quiet and just sticks to himself. Horuss was very tall, the biggest one in their little clique; coming in at around six foot five, he was a huge person that you wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alleyway. People normally would stay away from him because of his size and assume he is just a bully but in all honesty, he is one of the best people to have a feelings jam with; he listens and waits his turn until he can give advice on the subject. 

“Porrim, Horuss, thank you for doing this for me but you really didn’t have to.” Kankri was trying to be nice but he just didn’t want to have a party on the day that came back from the hospital. He wanted to relax and gently let himself adjust to the world around him. They threw him into the deep end and that just miffed him a lot. 

“Oh but we did! Everyone missed you and wanted to see you as soon as possible, plus you know how I love parties. It was the perfect welcome home, come inside and have a drink.” Porrim took hold of Kankri’s sweater and walked with him inside the house full of music and teenagers. They went straight to the kitchen and she quickly poured a drink, putting it in the somewhat not amused boy’s face. “Just have fun, don’t worry either; all the drinks here are non-alcoholic.”

“I made sure to tell the others that you’d be triggered if there were intoxicated people around your house, it’d make you worry.” Horuss came through the doorway and brushed his luscious hair aside so it would rest on one of his shoulders. Kankri nodded; it did make him feel a little better, at least he would stress about who was where and what they were doing in his house. He took a sip of the beverage and the taste of fruit burst on his tongue; he hadn’t drank anything like this and it was a bit strong, being used to soft milkshakes to get him through the time in the hospital. But he liked it and continued to sip as Porrim excused herself to apparently get something.

He was left with Horuss, who was already starting to sweat with anxiety of being one to one. He poured himself a drink and leaned against the counter, not daring to touch it in case he broke something. It was awkward at first, neither speaking until Kankri just couldn’t take the silence any longer. “How has school been?”

“Fine.” Kankri could see that his friend was trying to speak but he knows that it’s hard when it comes to communication. He was going to start getting the small details out of him until the huge teen spoke again. “Why’d you do it?”

“Do what?” 

“Attempt suicide.” It irked Kankri a little at the boldness, he took a moment to sip at his drink a little more, thinking about the possible ways to lie to his friend, even though he knows that lying is a huge disrespect and it could hurt their friendship. 

 

He ended up just spilling what he hadn’t said out loud before, not even to the counsellor nurse. Speaking about how he just had enough of the world; everyone wanted something out of him and was sick of his speeches, they just wanted him to be a good student and get many friends to be allies later on in life. He felt pressured to be someone that he didn’t want to be; his father was pushing him into the world of business and making him do classes that he hated so much, people bullied him and all he wanted to do was just live a life where he could help people, like maybe as a LGBTQIA protector or a service for people who were going through the same thing he was; a depression help line or something. He hated his life, no one truly listened to him and when they did it was only for their own gain. 

While talking about his true feelings, he didn’t even realise when strong arms wrapped around his lean frame and the watery droplets falling from his eyes. He kept going with his feelings; his depression and feeling like he couldn’t speak to anyone, no one would understand that he, a perfect little prodigy would be feeling like they weren’t loved. He was popular and yet no one even paid any attention to his cries for help, he thought over dosing was the only way out of that kind of place and even then he failed. He felt useless.

“You’re a brave person. I know that many people would treat you like a coward, you’re not. I’m happy that you didn’t die because then I’d have lost a dear friend.” Horuss had hugged Kankri and held the boy to his sweaty chest, it smelt a little but at this point in time, it was the best thing in the world. Someone was actually paying attention to what he had to say and wasn’t running away saying he was a freak. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it’s not easy.” He was right, but it was needed to be said, letting things out was like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he felt kind of tired from the crying. Kankri rest his forehead on his friend’s hard chest and stayed there for a moment to get his bearings back. “You know, you probably don’t want to hear it but you’re not alone. I’m not going to say who they are but some of our friends deal with depression too, they may have not tried to die by suicide but they have their other ways.” 

“Don’t tell me their names; if they want to tell me then it’s fine but until then. Don’t.” Kankri pulled away and Horuss lifted up his cup carefully, nodding in understanding. 

“Just saying this to tell you that you’re not alone.” Their conversation was cut short when Porrim came back into the kitchen with the others; Rufioh, Kurloz, Meulin and her little sister who translated everything; Nepeta. Kankri was pulled into another set of arms, this time it was Kurloz’s. He was a little unsure with the skeleton lover because he had this thing about his piercings, they were on either side of his bottom lip and top lip and when he was angry or didn’t want to say anything, he would just tie ribbon through them and tie his lips together. It was quite triggering to look at and he was glad that Kurloz hadn’t done that today, his mouth open and smiling sadly as he patted Kankri’s head. 

“I’m glad to see you’re back, bro.” He got pulled around the group for a moment, first to Kurloz then to Rufioh then Nepeta and then Meulin and to Porrim.

“Meulin says you can go to her when you feel sad, you might not be the best at communication but her arms are open for hugs.” Nepeta translated as they exchanged hand signs, it was a beautiful thing to watch; he had tried to communicate with her by using sign language but it was too difficult, now he only knows the basic hello and how are you. Meulin was happy that he tried and it was enough for her, Kankri still felt a little guilty though.

“Thank you, everyone. I think I’m going to unpack in my room and get changed.” He then left swiftly to their diminishing voices, heading for the stairs to get some peace and quiet for a little while. Once he was locked away in his room, looking around he noticed that nothing was touched; it was just like when he left for the hospital. His father must have just shut the door on it to ignore that his son had ever done such a thing. He flopped his bag on the bed and let out a sigh, taking off his shoes and shrugging his jacket off and digging in the pockets of the bag. 

The only thing on his mind right now apart from how distasteful the style of music was downstairs, was Cronus. He wanted to know that the ghost had followed him from the hospital and was going to be living with him instead. Pulling out the slightly rusty zippo, opening it up and flicking the light to catch a flame, he waited.  
And waited. 

Flicking the zippo again and again for what felt like hours. Nothing came to him, Cronus wasn’t appearing and that meant he wouldn’t be coming home to Kankri, away from the prison cell that was the hospital, it was the last dime dropped. 

Breath started picking up as more thoughts flew by in his mind, thinking about how he won’t be able to tell everyone about Cronus because he would be told he’s crazy. He didn’t even know if Cronus was real at all, maybe he was just a fragment of Kankri’s imagination to make him feel less lonely. The more his mind winded, the more his breathing fastened. He wasn’t going to see Cronus again, never to see his smiling face or him cuddling up as they watched a show on the laptop. He was going to be alone for the rest of his days, he should go back to the hospital in case Cronus is upset that he couldn’t come with. 

The zippo flicking was getting more and more desperate. “Come on. Come on!”

Nothing was going right, he was supposed to be here, the ghost boy was meant to just appear and smile at him saying it was all going to be okay because he would follow Kankri forever, haunt him even. This wasn’t supposed to happen. “Come on, please!”

Why wasn’t everything going as they should, it was his life; it was always fucking with him and making him not want to live in this world anymore. It’s what dragged him towards the thought of taking his own life. He couldn’t do it anymore, not without Cronus. 

There was a knock at the door and a soft voice; he couldn’t recognise it. He didn’t want anyone to come in and see him here. Panting, pale skinned and beginning to have a panic attack. He couldn’t do it, he wanted to see Cronus. “I’m coming in.”

The door opened and as quickly as that, he got arms wrapped around him and hushed tones of ‘it’s going to be okay’ in his ear while the voice called out for help. It came within moments, he recognised that the one holding him was Porrim and the ones entering his bedroom were Horuss and Rufioh, the taller male was at the door shouting for his father to call someone about him, he wanted to say something, anything that would make his friends not worry so much about him but it wasn’t as if he could say anything.

He couldn’t breathe, nothing was going right in this life. He wanted to end it all over again. 

New arms around him, broad and hands wrinkled as they held onto Kankri’s twitching frame. He spoke in a soft yet strained voice, whispering in his ear to just breathe, take a deep breath in, one, two three, and out one, two three. 

He could do this, listening to this voice that seemed to care so much about him, he really sounded as if he wanted to help as much as he could. When he lifted his head to get a look at the man that was helping him so well, he found out to be the face that he knew so well yet didn’t want to look at; it was his father. “Just breathe, Kankri.”

He listened intently, counting with his father until the attack subsided. The wave of exhaustion hit him like a brick through a window. By the time he was going to speak, he was already being laid on the bed with orders to rest and forget about the party, they would handle it. By handling it he probably meant kick them out.  
Porrim sat on the end of the bed, looking at Kankri sadly while holding the zippo that he had to take off of the boy. Kankri’s thumb was bleeding by the amount of times he must have tried to light it. “Cronus didn’t come back with you did he?” 

Kankri shook his head and Porrim let out a breath of tiredness. “I thought so. Maybe he’s just shy and doesn’t want to come out yet, give it a couple of weeks.” 

He didn’t want to wait two weeks because that would mean it would bring him closer to the deadline of going back to school all over again. He didn’t want to handle that. 

He couldn’t do it. “Hey, stop thinking so deeply, you only just came back from the hospital and I don’t want you returning to it in a matter of hours.” Porrim has slapped Kankri’s thigh gently and told him that Rufioh had gone to get the first aid kit for the split in his thumb. Soon after, the mohawked teen came through the door with a full box of bandages, creams and soothing alcohols to help with the cut. What people didn’t know was that while Porrim didn’t seem to care all that much about people, she had a seriously strong streak of motherly nurturing and when she took care to clean the wound and bandage it up, it was like she was taking care of her own child. “There you go, all done.”

“Thank you. Thank you all for this. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.” Kankri didn’t realise how his voice became so croaky. She smiled and leaned over to give him a kiss, but all he got was a good look at her cleavage before lips touched his forehead. Horuss spoke from the doorway, leaning on the worn out frame. 

“His father needs rest and we need to clean the kitchen of drinks.” Porrim raised from the bed and went to the door, making Horuss move out the way; while he was completely a head over the girl, she was far more superior in intimidation when she wanted to be. The dark haired teen held out his hand for Rufioh and the other quickly followed, their fingers lacing together as the taller man led him out he room. “We shall leave you to your rest, but Karkat is going to be right outside the door until the watchman comes.” 

With that, he gently closed the door with a click, leaving Kankri back to his thoughts. He never knew Horuss and Rufioh had that kind of relationship; maybe they became a thing when he was in the hospital. What else did he miss while he was in there? 

That doesn’t seem to matter now; all he wanted right at this moment was Cronus. The brunette shut his eyes and the ghost boy was pictured in his brain; the grin of happiness and the way he tried so hard to impress. He had soft feelings for the dead boy but now what would he do, he missed Cronus so badly. Scrunching up his eyes tight and gripping his covers, breathing in the scent of his home. 

He was finally able to fall asleep in a bed and all that he thought about was Cronus and going back to the hospital to see him again. He loved Cronus, he wanted to see him and he would try every day to make him come home, to Kankri.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys I'm so sorry for being late with this, I've been studying for exams. Ugh.

His sleep was surprisingly soundless and had no interruptions at all like he would have if he was in hospital with Cronus. When he woke up he felt like he could run a marathon. Maybe it’s true what they say; you sleep a lot better in your own bed than on any other. 

He pulled the covers back and crawled out of bed, checking the time to be six in the morning. Stretching up high to make his back pop, he looked down and realising that he had the same clothes he had on yesterday, he felt disgusting. He stripped off his sweater and laid it out on the desk chair, pulling off his shirt that smelled stale and slipped on a more comfortable red V-neck and covering up with a blue hoodie, zipping it up to keep the warmth in. He then stripped himself of his jeans that seemed way too tight all of a sudden, put on some pajama trousers and let out a sigh; he was finally comfortable. 

He went over to his desk and lifted up his phone that had been dormant ever since he came into the hospital. A part of him wanted to read what was going on with his phone, how many calls or messages he got or if anyone really cared to send him something but then another part of him wanted to just zone out from the world and tell them to go fuck themselves, which was actually very rude and he doesn’t want anyone to be offended by something that he did or said. 

His curiosity got the better of him and he unlocked his IPhone, seeing that in the corner of the phone, it said he had over two hundred text messages and several missed calls from his friends and two from Karkat. The guilt swelled up inside him as he opened up his text messages to read some. 

Many were just ‘hey how are you’s but when he scrolled up to the end, he noticed that Porrim had sent him a lot of messages, some of them were about gossip but then the mood changes and she had started saying how he hasn’t been in school and if he’s okay, then a couple hours later she started getting quite desperate and speaking about how she missed him and he can talk to her if he is feeling like he needs to communicate with anyone. Kankri thought to himself; this was when he exiled himself from school for a week, he normally never misses a day of school due to having so much to do and he couldn’t even take a day off if he was sick. She was probably very worried; a twist in Kankri’s gut told him to feel ashamed. 

All of his other friends had also messaged him after he had been put into the hospital. They were speaking about how they’re worried for him and wish him to get well soon so they can come and see him at school again. Ugh, school is always in the back of Kankri’s mind nowadays and he doesn’t really want to be racked up in that kind of stress again. Maybe he’ll quit some clubs to give him space. 

Kankri looks at the messages again and notices that Porrim texted him last night so say that the zippo is in the bedside drawer and to not panic again over Cronus. He quickly went over there and opened up the drawer to reveal the zippo in plain sight. A wave of relief washed over him as he lifted it up. It was good to know that he wouldn’t be parted from something that was dear to Cronus. It was probably going to be the only thing he would get to keep dear to him now that Cronus wouldn’t be able to come back to his house. The thought of that made Kankri’s lip quiver and eyes well up with fresh tears; he wouldn’t be able to see Cronus again and that’s something he wouldn’t be able to deal with for a very long time. 

His stomach growling broke him from his mind. Wiping away the tears that threatened to fall over his freckled cheeks, he went to the door and pocketed the zippo, opening up the door to get a look at wide shoulder and a muscled back. “Um…”

The man stepped back and turned around, giving Kankri an eyeful of him; he was almost two heads over Kankri and twice as wide, his arms were huge as they crossed over a tight shirt probably showing off how muscled this guy was. Little to say, Kankri was quite intimidated by the man who wore the weirdest sunglasses, he would have slammed the door in the strangers face if it weren’t for the fact that he was hungry. “Excuse me, I’d like to go to the kitchen, may you move out the way of my door?”

“Sorry, mister Vantas. Gotta keep you safe from yourself. You can just call me guard.” The giant said as he stepped aside to let Kankri out the doorway and down the steps, he had wanted to say something but the fact that he was just so huge left the teen at a standstill. Down in the kitchen, Karkat was over the stove making eggs for himself and his father was eating toast and reading the paper at the counter. It was a weekday so his father would probably have to leave soon for work, by the looks of his suit and tie. 

The guard stomped down the stairs as well; even though they were padded with carpet the guard seemed to have made it possible for it to be loud. Karkat turned his head over to his brother, lifting up the egg box. “Want any?” 

“No thank you, my stomach would probably explode by the size of it. I’ll just stick to yoghurt and cereal.” Kankri opened up the fridge to have a look and the insides; it seems they had left his stuff alone while he was away. He brought out a pot of his favourite strawberry yoghurt and a bowl, grabbing the box of cheerios and pouring them in before dumping the yoghurt on top. Sitting at the counter and grabbing a spoon, he dug into his first breakfast back at his house. 

“That’s not really healthy, Kankri.” His father spoke almost as if to brush the subject from his son’s minds. He finished up his toast covered in honey, washing his hands in the sink before setting the newspaper on the table. “Now I’m going to work but Karkat will be staying at home until the end of the week then he will be going back to school. It’s only to get you comfortable in the house again, the doctor said so. I’ll see you at five.” 

After he said that, he quickly left the room to put his shoes on and leave, the front door slamming behind him. “So, what are we going to do for most of the day by ourselves? You’re allowed to bring company over as long as it’s not over five people.”

Kankri was thinking about that as he chewed his strawberry yoghurt flavoured cheerio’s. It would be nice to catch up with his friends without having to have a huge party going on around him to startle him; he wasn’t the best at socializing and it wasn’t the best thing to do when he first arrived back into civilisation. 

Still, the idea of having his friends round for more of a peace and quiet chat was appealing, even better once he took a look at his suicide prevention guard who was standing off in the corner with his arms crossed, rather intimidating if you ask him. Kankri nodded and Karkat gave him the phone. “Don’t strangle yourself with it.” 

Kankri glared at his brother, thinking it was completely out of order for him to state that. He curled the phone cord around his finger and started to think about what each phone number was for his friends, couldn’t remember and decided to ask Porrim about them later; he knew his best friends number off by heart so it was simple to punch her number into the phone and wait for her to pick it up. One tone, two tones and on the third, a smooth voice rippled through the line. “Hello?”

“It’s Kankri, can you come over today?” After a moments rethinking, he could have completely ruined her day of planning and so he quickly intervened. “If you can’t do it at such short notice I completely understand.” 

“No Kanny, it’s fine. I can do it today, what time?” She sounded busy, though to be honest when is she not. 

“Around twelve? And also can you call everyone else in our friend group and ask them if they can come too? I’m thinking about a little meeting because we didn’t get to do it peacefully yesterday.” He twisted the cord around his pinkie, crossing his leg over the other. On the other line, Porrim seemed to be fumbling with something before picking up again. 

“Yep I can do that, though I don’t have Rufioh’s number. Wait, hold on. Shit—“ 

“Language.” Kankri interrupted and Porrim let out a breath, light of laughter and happiness. 

“Do you know how much I have been waiting for you to say that to me? I’ve missed that.” Kankri felt a wave of guilt in his gut but he swallowed it down with a spoonful of strawberry yoghurt covered cheerio’s. “I’ll ask Horuss to ask him.”

“Alright, thank you.” They spoke for a couple more moments before hanging up and Kankri handed the phone back to his brother. “See? No ‘accidents’.” 

Karkat took his sarcasm with a smirk and set the phone away and they both went into the living room. Sinking into the sofa, Kankri let out a satisfied sigh, spooning his breakfast into his mouth and Karkat turned on the television. “I saved all your shows, in case you came back.”

It wasn’t much but Kankri saw how much he meant to Karkat in that moment. He patted the space next to him and Karkat moved to sit with him. “We can watch them together?” 

It wasn’t much but he felt something sucker punch his gut when Karkat nodded and quickly started up the first episode he recorded. He realised that he had seen most of these in the hospital but he didn’t want to say anything; Karkat had waited for him to return and he was even attempting to enjoy them, not that much complaining. He did let a couple slide though. “Even I know what’s going to happen next.” 

“Oh hush it’s a good show overall.” He chuckled, focusing more time on Karkat than the show. Thinking about it now, Karkat had the same thinking process as Cronus; the ghost would always complain if something was too easily known on the shows they watched together or say what they’re going to do next. It was almost funny how they complemented each other, Kankri thought about them becoming the best of friends. Then the thought came that they wouldn’t be able to become good friends because Cronus didn’t seem to appear when he was supposed to be with him. A part of his chest started to clench in angst; he wanted to watch his shows with Cronus again. 

“You listening to this?” When Kankri blinked out of the thought, he saw Karkat was waving his hand in his face, trying to get his attention. He took hold of his brother’s wrist to stop him, smiling apologetically. 

“Sorry, just something on my mind is all.” Karkat asked what it was and paused the television, it was obvious that he wasn’t going to let it slide this time. “Just a friend I met in the hospital. I miss him.”

“Well now you’re with family and friends, maybe you can go meet him in the hospital when you have therapy next?” It was a plan, Kankri thought about skipping the therapy to find Cronus once more and not leaving until he comes home with him. He nods to brush it off, thanking Karkat for the advice before they resumed the show, it was alright to spend time with his brother like this, they weren’t doing anything that could be triggering and also he could start a conversation without having to shout and offend Karkat. 

Throughout the next few shows, all Kankri could think about was Cronus. His charming smile and the fact that he was so ready to leave and it was a shock that he didn’t, he would have to search more on how to bring Cronus with him when he went to therapy next week. It was scheduled to be in wing right next to the resting wing where he and Cronus had been in for months, he knows that he wouldn’t be allowed into the wing without someone’s permission to let him in so that was ruled out; he didn’t want to get into trouble. While watching the latest episode of his favourite soap opera, the doorbell rang.

He zoomed up from his seat and to the door, opening it wide. They didn’t have Meulin but everyone else was there and it was enough, he let them in and they took their shoes off as they held out little gifts. Mostly it was chocolate donuts and coffee; he figured they all went to starbucks on the way here. By now his friends knew where everything was due to being here so many times and they made themselves at home, Porrim squishing Kankri to her chest. “Oh I’m so happy you invited us today, I couldn’t go shopping so I would have been so bored!” 

“Well I am glad that you all made it.” Rufioh was next in line for a hug, breaking away from his sweaty boyfriend’s hand to wrap his arms around Kankri’s tiny frame. Kurloz was even there to nod at him as a welcome and thank you; he didn’t see the stoner yesterday but it was as if they never stayed away from each other. Kurloz stayed silent most of the times unless the time really called for it, he immune system was extremely weak and he easily got sore throats, plus the marijuana didn’t help with that so his voice was croaky and rugged from the drugs, the sickness and the lack to talk so much. 

They migrated into the living room, greeting Karkat on their way in, Porrim already suffocating him with her breasts again. While everyone was getting comfortable, Kankri went into the kitchen to grab some bowls for snacks and found that Horuss was already doing so. He looked up, hair not in his face today so he could see without having to brush his fringe out of his face; Kankri guesses Rufioh made him wear a clip. Getting closer to him, he notices that he indeed had a blue sparkly clip holding his fringe in place. “Thank you for doing this, even if you are a guest.” 

“It’s no problem; you don’t have to do everything for us. How have you been holding up? Don’t feel anxious anymore?” He was always the one who cared from a distance and Kankri remembers the hug they had yesterday and blushed softly with a nod. Stating that he was okay, Horuss took it as a good sign and lifted the large bowl of candy. “You can carry one so it looks like you did something.” 

He didn’t have any candy in the cupboards so Horuss must have bought it for them all, the generous giant as always. He carried the giant bowl of crisps into the living room, the television muted so they wouldn’t have to raise their voices to talk to one another. The two of them set the bowls down and got seated, they were there for him; Porrim, Rufioh Kurloz and Horuss, he had a small group of friends but it was better a small group who truly cared than a huge amount of people who couldn’t care less about him. They sat down on the sofa, Porrim sitting next to Kankri and Kurloz on his own while the two love birds sat next to each other, Rufioh using boyfriend as a footrest. Karkat had excused himself from the circle as soon as he could get free of Porrim’s clutches. “So Kanny, tell me why we had to have a group session today? You saw us yesterday.”

“Well I wasn’t able to really speak to any of you due to the party and my… Attack.” He coughed lightly into his fist and they nodded in understanding. “But I would like to say something that has been bothering me for a while and only Porrim knows about it. I believe I must say something, if you are triggered by this please say.”  
“Wait what thing?” Rufioh chimed in, munching on the gummy bears from the pick and mix candy bowl. Porrim just nodded in understanding, patting Kankri’s thigh as she knew what he was going to say. 

“Just listen you guys, it’s important to Kanny. Go on.” Kankri was at a loss at where to start, taking a deep breath and clearing his throat once more; it’s best he started from the beginning.

“When I was admitted to the hospital, you all know why so I don’t need to go into detail about that but… When I was there, I used to get very cold at night and found out the reason to that wasn’t because of a draft or the air conditioning was turned off.” He stopped to make sure everyone was on board with what he had to say, Rufioh was narrowing his eyes in concentration; he never understood things without it being straight to the point. Horuss on the other hand was simply staying quiet, completely tuned in to what he had to say. 

“So… The reason was because there was a ghost in my room.” Kurloz coughed loudly, looking at Kankri as if he was mad and Rufioh almost copied him by almost tipping the bowl of candy over. “I know it must sound strange but please listen to what I have to say.”

“You believe in ghosts?” 

“I thought you didn’t do the whole superstitious stuff!” 

“Guys please listen to him.” Porrim attempted to quiet the boys but Rufioh was on fire with cheek.

“So does the ghost have a name? Did you become friends with it?” He kept pushing until Kankri was gripping his sweater and Horuss covered his boyfriend’s mouth to shut him up, nodding for him to continue. 

“Yes he does have a name; Cronus. He died years ago and he was my only company for the time there, apart from you guys…” Kankri let his head bow down; he must sound like a complete idiot it had to be said before he lied to everyone because he knew that lying was one of the worst things to do to the ones he loved. “I found his old lighter and brought it with me, hoping he would follow me but he didn’t…”

“Well you know the old saying, Kanny. Once you die in a place, you’re stuck there forever.” Porrim rubbed Kankri’s knee to sooth him from the impending anxiety that was clawing at him, ready to grab at him and absorb him into the fluffy carpet. He went over this situation in his head many times as he waited for them to arrive and it didn’t turn out like he had planned, it was so much worse and his throat was starting to tighten up. 

“I love him.” He spoke before he could stop his brain from releasing his thoughts, looking down at his knees and let the tears fall. He wanted to be with Cronus so much, thinking about him like this wasn’t fair on his heart, it was thumping heavily against his ribcage and all he wanted was to go to the hospital and see him. He didn’t even know if Cronus would come to him again, it was all on a maybe and that hurt every bone, organ and nerve in his body. 

He didn’t even realise that he was being held until his body was being pulled. Everyone had seen his tears and immediately went to him, covering his side of the sofa to make sure he was okay, gathering around and not even caring about personal space. Porrim was holding onto him with his head in his chest, Rufioh was laying behind him to hug his waist, Horuss wasn’t much for touching but he rubbed Kankri’s leg for comfort while Kurloz decided it would be alright to just kneel next to the sofa and play with his hair. “You gonna get this ghost dude bro.” 

All of this was too much for Kankri; Kurloz barely talked and when he did it was for something important, he thought this moment was something worth talking about. He was noticing all the attention he got for just breaking down, it was enough for him to feel a sense of longing. He had wanted this for a long time and finally he had got it. It was something that would be remembered hopefully forever. He pushed up to sit, finding it a little hard with the weight on him but they pulled away enough that he could relax. “Thank you; I do not know what came over me.”

“Don’t apologize for being human.” Horuss pointed in and Rufioh crept away to his boyfriend’s clutches so he wasn’t squishing anyone. Kurloz pointed to the wise teenager with a knowing grin, nodding along with what he had to say and it made Kankri let out a giggle as he wiped his watery eyes. 

“I guess that is true… So, now you all know what I have to say. I love a ghost from the hospital when I was in there for attempting suicide. What do you think I should do?” It was a bold statement but he was truly at a loss; as to why he asked them over. They looked at each other as if they could read each other’s minds for information when Porrim sat up more. 

“Oh!! You said you have the zippo. You still have it, I saw it yesterday. When we were in the hospital you summoned him when you turned it, maybe you can try that when you get to the hospital for therapy!” She looked pleased in herself, clapping before looking at Kankri to see if he would like it. He did think the idea would be a good way to start but if he was getting ‘summoned’ just by the flick of a lighter than why didn’t he arrive when he did it yesterday?

He spoke his worries and Porrim deflated, not knowing the answer. Rufioh picked up the pace with another great answer. “Because you weren’t at the hospital?” 

“That is true, I could try that then. No worth talking about it if I’m not going to do it.” Kankri put the idea into his head and made a note to pick up the lighter when he went to the hospital next. Another idea popped into Rufioh’s a\head and he spoke about rituals with magic circles, sacrifice and blood and triggering things that Kankri cupped his ears, not wanting to hear anymore. “No thank you!”

“Aw well your loss, it’s an idea at least.” He shrugged and Horuss rubbed his partner’s shoulder, shushing him. 

They came up with some more ideas that could be plausible and discussed more about ghosts; Kankri got to speak about what Cronus was like and how he looked. What they did together when the lights went out and it was almost normal to speak about him around his friends; like Cronus wasn’t a ghost but a random patient at the hospital. They didn’t judge him about any of it, though they were upset that he went into the hospital in the first place and guilty that he felt he couldn’t go to any of them for help, that killing himself would be the only solution. They didn’t blame Kankri, they blamed themselves for not looking at the real him, what he was hiding from everyone. Once Kankri stopped with the ghost talk, feeling he had spoken about it long enough, Rufioh had eaten through the entire candy bowl and Porrim smacked him, saying how it was for everyone. “Yeah well we had no popcorn and the story was interesting.” 

“Oh hush, you just like eating.” She crossed her arms, pouting that she wasn’t able to have any of the candy, Kurloz was halfway through the crisp bowl when Kankri let out a sigh and stood up from the small group. Horuss looked up at him with concern, asking where he was going.

“To the bathroom, also I am going to find the lighter; my hand is feeling somewhat lonely when I talk about Cronus.” Horuss seemed fine with that explanation and Rufioh started chuckling as he left the room, spotting the guard as he went up the stairs and to the bathroom. He purposely left the door open as he went inside to relieve himself; it was strange to think that just a few months ago, he was here with pills and trying to end his life and now he was with ones who loved him, someone who was paid to protect him from himself and love confession for a ghost. 

He was right about the guard wanting to see if he would be in trouble, peeking in and nodding at him before staying outside the door. Kankri felt a little awkward but he knew it was his own good. He washed his hands thoroughly and left the room to his bedroom, speaking to the guard as he walked by him. “Are you hungry at all?”

“No, but thank you for asking.” He crossed his arms over his chest as Kankri fumbled around for the lighter, pulling it out and shoving it in his pocket. 

“Well if you do get hungry, you know where to find the food. You can eat here.” The guard nodded once more and thanked him before Kankri went back downstairs to his friends, coming back in to where Porrim was telling everyone about the latest gossip in school. He sat back in his seat and took the zippo out of his pocket again, flipping it open and frowning at his bandaged thumb; unable to flick it. 

“Kanny, are you okay?” Porrim rested her hand on his thigh and he looked up, shrugging with a nod before asking her to continue. He had suddenly felt like his mood had been dampened; a swelling of sadness gloating in his abdomen as they looked at him in worry. She paused for a moment before spotting the guard that had come downstairs. “Kanny, I know you have guards but he is making me uncomfortable.”

“Well I cannot stop him from going anywhere he chooses, he’s here because I tried suicide and failed. It is his job to look out for me just in case I do something stupid.” The guard was in the hallway but he was able to see where Kankri is, what he would be doing and vice versa. Porrim looked away from the guard and huddled in close to her group, Kankri had already gotten used to him and didn’t seem to care at the moment so she looked to Horuss who wasn’t fazed by the staring either. 

“He’s just doing his job, chill Porrim.” Rufioh chuckled, attempting to snatch the crisps from Kurloz who hugged the bowl to his chest, slapping the intruding hands away, having none of it.

She wasn’t happy about it but continued her gossip, everyone nodding along and putting their own voice into the mix until keys jingled in the door and Kankri’s father came through, shouting out into the house to alert everyone that he’s home and greeting the guard that was still in the hallway. Kankri almost deflated when he heard his father’s voice. “I guess you will have to go home soon.” 

“Do you want us to go home?” Horuss spoke softly, only wanting to hear what Kankri had to say and then his father came through the door, smiling at his friends and greeting them. They of course replied with an overly happy welcome back. 

“Right! I’m going to start dinner. Spaghetti bolognaise if that’s okay with you?” He spoke to his son and Kankri shrugged, not really feeling that hungry now that he thought about it. His father frowned. “You need to eat, Kankri. A proper meal and not that stuff they gave you in the hospital.”

“Father, I cannot help it if I am not hungry.” He spoke softly, almost embarrassed that his friends were around him, listening to his father reprimand him. Porrim chimed in and sided with his father, saying he has to eat something or he won’t get the strength back and he will feel shitty. “Language.”

“You know what I mean, Kanny! You have to eat.” She folded her arms and he sighed; sometimes she would really be stubborn, especially when it came to things that made her worry. She cared about Kankri a lot, always making sure he looked healthy and happy, she had felt like a failure when he had done such a stupid thing, she could have helped in some way but she didn’t even know how he was feeling, she is making up for that now and she won’t let him slip like that again. “Please eat, for me?”

“You heard the lady; you gotta eat. We can eat here too right Mr Vantas?” Rufioh beamed up at Kankri’s father; they all knew him and treated him like he was the father of all their group because he had the resources and the patience for all of them, plus he was a major pushover when it came to his children’s friends.

“Alright, but call your parents and let them know where you are.” He turned to leave, a ring of ‘thank you’s coming from the group of teenagers. Kankri was happy he wouldn’t go through this alone and smiled his thanks at Rufioh. It lifted his mood a little to know that he wouldn’t be eating in silence with his father staring at him and Karkat being uncomfortable because he doesn’t know what to say to his depressed brother. Now all the attention could be off him completely, he was happy about that.

 

\--

 

The dinner was delicious, his emotions got into check when he smelled the food wafting into the living room. His father made them set the table but that was fine even if they didn’t let him touch the knives, soon they were eating the dished up food and thanking Mr Vantas for the meal. The guard had a separate meal in the living room, stating that it would be upsetting to have him remind them all about why he was there; Kankri did feel rather sorry about that, the guard must be feeling a little left out without having to talk to anyone and eating alone. He did go into the living room to ask if he wanted a drink but it was declined and there wasn’t anything Kankri could do to help; the guard was there for him, not the other way around.

Afterwards, Karkat had gotten up from the table and into the kitchen, his father speaking up so the table could hear. “Karkat has made a little something for Kankri, welcoming him home from a hard time.”

At first, Kankri didn’t know what it would be about but when his brother came in with a creamy looking cake, he was stunned silent, his friends gasping and watching the delicious looking desert be set on the table with a knife nearby. “It’s your favourite, strawberry cake with vanilla icing. I made it myself.”

“Thank you; I don’t know what to say.” He spoke softly, overcome with emotion at the kind act his brother made for him. He wanted to say something, like he couldn’t get through all this without all their help but he was silenced with Karkat lifting his hand.

“You don’t have to say anything, I know what you’re going to say and it’s okay. I made this so we could all stuff our face with something fattening. You need the pounds; you’re so skinny, like they didn’t feed you at all when you were in there.” He tsk’ed and grabbed the knife, giving himself a small helping slice before looking next to him, to Porrim and asked how much she wanted. He went through the table, cutting the size they wanted and setting it on a small plate, Kankri didn’t want much but Karkat didn’t listen to him, knowing he should eat more and gave him a big slice, setting it on the plate and giving it to him. “You need the pounds.”

“I heard you the first time.” He spoke with an eye roll before digging in, tasting the sweetness and closing his eyes in bliss. Karkat was right; he would have wanted more if he only had a small slice. He quickly started to eat through the cake, leaving the vanilla icing for last like he always does and scooped it up, having a mouthful of sugar was one of the things he had missed when he was in hospital. It made him sick to his stomach but he loved it and thanked Karkat for making the cake which he shrugged at, shoving it off as if it was nothing. 

Rufioh had to have a slice to take home so his brother could have some, he was a good brother and ever since the accident that had put Tavros into a wheelchair, he had been very protective of him; helping him with everything he asked and giving him gifts when he went out. All of them soon had to leave, Porrim the last to go as she kissed his cheek and gave him a hug goodbye before leaving Kankri to his own thoughts, cleaning up the dishes with his father on the other side of the table with a glass of red wine. “So, how was your day?”

“It was good. Thank you for letting them stay over.” He spoke politely and his father nodded, having a sip at his alcohol before standing up and going around the island of a table, standing behind Kankri and wrapped his arms around his son. “Father?”

“I missed you. So much, when I saw you lying there in the bath I… I broke down. Thought about the past and how much you and I spent time together, which I found out to be so little. We never spent time to just talk.” He breathed in, resting his chin on Kankri’s shoulder; he was only a couple of inches taller than him, he let out a sigh and Kankri swore he felt wetness on his neck. “Where did the time go?”

“I’m sorry for leaving you like that.” He felt inclined to apologize about all the pain he caused to his family, friends and acquaintances. Everyone who he had met or spoken to on the phone or bumped into on the street, he had to apologize to them all because if he died, they would have a piece of them missing, the person they met once wouldn’t be alive anymore and that could crush someone. He didn’t realize that he was crying too when his father spun him around and wiped at his tears, attempting to shush him. 

“No son, it’s my fault. I could have done something, seen your pain or let you come to me with your problems, but I didn’t. I let you do that alone and I felt like a failure as a father.” He rubbed at his own eyes, gritting his teeth before continuing with a shaky breath. “I’m the one who should be sorry.” 

“Father, no. please don’t blame yourself for something I did selfishly.” He spoke softly, getting a tissue from the bench and bunched it up to mop the tears away. They went back and forth for a while, just holding each other next to the sink before his father pulled away with a deep sigh. 

“I guess it’s no one’s fault for the entire thing. The only thing we should worry about now is getting you better. It’ll be okay, you have us to back you up now.” He smiled sadly and lifted his wine, sipping it before leaving the room, looking back to his son as he was about to go upstairs to sleep. “You’ll be okay.” 

He watched his father go up the stairs and heard the soft click of his bedroom door go, leaning against the sink with a deep and shaky sigh, reaching into his pocket to feel the rusting metal of the zippo against his fingers, the only thing in his life at the moment that could bring him peace. “I hope so…” 

He finished up in the kitchen and turned out the light, seeing the guard at the top of the stairs and nodded at him as he walked past. “I’m going to bed now, so you may go home or stay here. I don’t know what your job implies you to do.” 

The guard touched his shoulder and spoke softly to him. “I’m going to be sleeping on the sofa downstairs. I heard what you and your father spoke about and I think you are very brave for going through this.” 

He didn’t think the guard would say that but coming from a stranger brought a lump to his throat. Kankri left to his room after bidding the guard goodnight and shut the door behind him, stripped down and got into the cold sheets, shutting his eyes tight and attempting to swallow down the emotion.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Wow I'm so late with this I am so sorry!
> 
> But never you fear! A new chapter is here! 
> 
> There's a trigger for panic attacks and self harm? Sorry about that. It's only going to get sadder.

It had been three weeks of pure nothingness in the Vantas household. Kankri had been almost bored to death, picking up new details he never knew he had; he would clean stains out of things that couldn't be cleaned again such as wood or the walls. All he has been doing is cleaning, cooking and sleeping with the guard always close by in case he found a way to kill himself.

He had been going to the therapist for a little over a week now and the one thing that they have given advice for is that he should get into a routine because stability can always help a person heal. He has taken the therapist's advice and has been going through a routine now; wake up at six in the morning and make breakfast for himself, bid his father farewell as he leaves for work. He then has a shower with the door open so the guard knows he isn't trying to drown himself, get changed and stay in his room for an hour until his brother leaves for school at seven thirty. During that time he is normally reading or texting anyone who's up that early in the morning; usually Porrim because she has to put make up on, sort out her hair and find a fashionable outfit for the day ahead of time.

He then comes out of his room and carefully slides the dirty dishes and pans into the dish washer, goes to each room to find dirty clothes and puts them into the washing machine. While that is running, he relaxes for a couple of hours by watching television and grabbing a snack. Later on when the machine has finished, he pushes the wet clothes into the dryer and then prepares himself some lunch. He also tries to make the guard some lunch and most of the time he declines politely, eating from his lunch box that magically appears because Kankri has never seen him leave the house. On the times that he does accept Kankri's offer, he will have grilled cheese and tomato on toast, eating in silence at the table. When they both finished Kankri would clean their plates and tidy up the kitchen.

The cleaning would then migrate into the living room and up the stairs to the bathroom and the bedrooms, dusting up the areas that had been untouched for a while. This would take around two hours to do a thorough clean up to standards in Kankri's eyes. Kankri would spend the rest the afternoon in his bedroom, watching movies that he had downloaded onto his laptop. He had watched them with Cronus when he was in hospital and it felt like the ghost boy was still with him, commenting on his choice of soap dramas and romantic comedies. Karkat would come home around four due to the walk from the bus stop. The younger sibling would greet his brother and go to his own room to relax, Kankri wouldn't hear much of him for rest of the day. His father would come home an hour and a half later so Kankri would normally start dinner around that time to help his father out and help him relax from a hard day at work. When he finishes the dinner and sets it up, eats it in silence with his father and his brother, he excused himself upstairs to finish the day by watching videos on YouTube, ones that spoke to his soul, made him connect to what was being said and shown. He usually falls asleep about nine in the evening now with his alarm set for the next day.

This cycle has been set for a while now and it has set some stability in Kankri's lifestyle. But it was also extremely taxing on his emotional side; he feels like a zombie going through the same things as the day before. The spots that he cleans hasn't even got a spec of dust to be seen, yet he continues because otherwise it would ruin the routine. He feels that if he doesn't complete the smallest parts of his daily trials then he is a failure to the smallest detail, how would he cope with handling the routine of the rest of his life?

Not that hard to say but he has contemplated on using coping strategies.

He never before even thought about things that would have harmed himself, he only thought about being free from himself and the world around him. So when one night, Kankri trudges downstairs at midnight needing a glass of water. He doesn't think twice about his father leaving out a bottle of wine accidentally. He doesn't think that anyone is looking, he just doesn't think. He grabs the wine and has a small sip from the bottle; it's bitter and not what he expected wine to be at all. He thought it would be sweet due to it being the taste of berries but he was so wrong. This wasn't for him, he sets the bottle away into its normal cabinet and goes upstairs without the water, mind forgetting the reason he came down.

A couple days passes with the same nothingness as before; cleaning, eating, sleeping and bathing every two days. Kankri searches for reasons why he has to continue this mediocre ritual and focuses on it every day to help him get by. He is patiently waiting until the end of the week for his father to allow him to go to school once more, he was actually looking forward to going back.

 

\--

 

"Okay, do you have everything you need? Medication, my phone number and the guards phone number just in case?" Kankri's father spoke insistently as he fusses over his eldest son, checking him for everything he needed for the first day back to school since his suicide attempt. Kankri would be lying if he said he want nervous to be going back to the building that caused his manic anxiety of failure but on the plus side; he would get fresh air and be with his friends. They decided it would be better for Kankri to go into school on a Friday so that he could have a dip into the feel of school again and the pressure wouldn't be on him completely because the students would be looking forward to the weekend, also the weekend would help Kankri deal with the cooling off period before starting a new week.

Since it was his first day back, his father had decided that he would drive him in with Karkat too, fearing the interaction on the school bus would be the wrong environment for the first day. He is following what the therapist had said; slowly ease Kankri into society and help him along the way if he falters. It's seven twenty five in the morning and he had called his boss the day before to discuss him being late for today's work, the boss seemed to understand and allowed him the time off. "Got all the equipment you need? Lunch and money in case you want more?"

"Father, please. I will be fine, I have Porrim meeting me like she promised, she isn't going to let me out of her sight today." Kankri was standing at the door in his own clothes, being a senior was always good because even though he respected the school, he hated the uniform and was glad that he wouldn't be wearing it again. Still, he dressed in more comforting clothes today; the red turtleneck sweater that Porrim had knitted for him and black tracksuit bottoms, he also wore padded shoes for comfortable walking. His back pack was by his feet, filled with old notes that still might be useful in his classes, his lunch box and a pencil case. He kept his phone in the side pocket of the bag for safe keeping. In the front pocket he slipped his anxiety medication and phone numbers for the hospital and his guard. "May we please go now?"

"Just looking out for you, come on Karkat! We're leaving!" He waited for his youngest son to rush down the stairs in his uniform scruffily pulled on all wrinkled, hair a mess from not brushing it and bags under his eyes from staying up all night talking to his friends online. He opened the door and let's his boys out first, unlocking the car before shutting the front door behind him. They all got into the car with Kankri in the passenger side and Karkat in the back before pulling out the drive way and speeding off to the school.

The drive from their home to school is fifteen minutes on a good day, but today it took them half an hour due to traffic on the small roads. It wasn't enough to make them late because school officially starts at eight fifteen. Kankri shrank into his seat when his father pulled up on the side of the road opposite the school, hearing his brother say goodbye and slamming his door shut, signaling his leave from the car.  

"What's wrong?" His father turned his head to his eldest teen, eyebrows lowering in worry. It was as if Kankri had swallowed a boulder, it had sank to his stomach and the weight of it caused him to not be able to get up and out.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"Kankri, we've been through this yesterday. You were ready yesterday, you even said you were looking forward to seeing your friends." The sound of disappointment had created the boulder to thicken. Kankri couldn't move even if he wanted to.

"I just feel like something bad is going to happen today." He spoke in a hushed tone, already sounding defeated before the fight. His father let out a sigh as he reached over, resting his hand on his son's knee.

"Everything will be okay, you see? Your friend is waiting by the gates." He had pointed to where Porrim is rubbing her hands together, trying to keep warm from the bite of the morning air. She must have been waiting for ages for him, he had to go and help her get warm like a friend should. He peered over at his father, face screwed with determination; if he didn't feel good about the day then he would fight through it like he had planned with his therapist, negativity would always try to knock him down and hold him back, he had to think positive and get the things that he wanted.

"Thank you father, I will try my best." He exited the car with a gentle slam of the door, keeping his eye on his friend as he carefully walked across the road. Already a few people had whispered to their friends about the suicidal teen, rumors being flown around and Kankri could hear their harsh words, striking his gut and making him wince. He pace revved up as he stalked to his friend, gladly accepting a tight embrace from Porrim as she had also heard many stories from students who didn't know anything.

"Let's go inside." Kankri glanced back to where his father had already sped off, a new car taking his place to drop off emotionally unstable students to the six hours of hell that is school. He didn't get to say goodbye as Porrim grabbed his hand gently, lacing her fingers through his and guided him through the mob of tired teenagers to the entrance and inside the main building. Kankri knew that he would have some people talking about him, he had prepared himself to just stay quiet for the day and not interfere with anyone who he didn't feel comfortable with. Instead, the second he walked through the entrance he was bombarded with judgmental stares and whispers about him. He couldn't handle the unwanted attention and so kept his head down, tightening his grip on Porrim's hand to help bring him to a more calmer area in his head. Of course Porrim already knew how much the story had taken hold of the school, pulling Kankri through the crowd and through to the playground is. There was still time for everyone to relax and get ready for the day ahead of them so the playground was quite busy, students holding coffee from the cafe down the road and juniors running around playing games on the wide spread gravel. There are two benches that rest in the shade and they were occupied by his friends; Meulin was too busy plaiting Horuss' hair to notice them coming closer but Rufioh spotted them and without a second thought he sat up from his seat on his boyfriend and ran over, hugging Kankri gently to not alarm him.

"Hey buddy!"

"Good morning." Kankri speech muffled by his friend's chest. Porrim batted at the overly excited teen to let her precious Kanny go so he could greet his other friends. Rufioh released his hold with a pout and returned to his seat, laying down and resting his head on his boyfriend's thigh, Horuss waving hello and not turning his head in case it ruined Meulin's concentration on his plait. Porrim leaded the way to a free space next to a sleeping Kurloz, Kankri sitting with Meulin, pulling off his back pack and setting it to lean on the leg of the bench.

The deaf girl completed the plait by tying a blue ribbon the keep it looking nice before turning around and greeting the friend she hasn't seen in ages with a hug.

"So Kankri, you feeling okay?" Rufioh spoke up, breaking the silence that started to fog up their relaxation time. Kankri let out a sigh and started discussing the people staring at him, the humiliation he felt as they stared him down.

"Maybe it was wrong to come back so early, I should have waited more." Even if that meant going insane in his house, but his friends didn't have to know that. Instead, Porrim frowned deeply as she turned her head to her precious best friend.

"Excuse me? Kanny you don't have to feel bad about anything, they are just some kids that don't understand the meaning of depression. You don't have to suffer your education because of them, okay?" She brushed her hair off her shoulder sassily, keeping eye contact with the miserable teenager as Kurloz decided it would be a great time to wake up, lifting his head and rubbing at his eyes. When he spotted Kankri his stitched up face broke out into a smile, waving tiredly as a good morning. The school bell rang harshly above their heads to signal that it was time for class, the students out on the playground dispersed with record timing to not be late. Kankri lifted his bag up to his shoulder once more as his group all stood up and promised to meet back here at break time. Porrim gave him one last hug goodbye before walking away with Meulin, going to her literature class. He was patted on the back and when he turned around he saw Rufioh grinning brightly with Horuss, holding the door open to the hallway.

"Our first class is with you, figured you'd wanna walk with us." They stayed together; the two boyfriends holding hands down the corridor as Kankri stayed close to Horuss, trying to keep up with the conversation and ignore the people blatantly watching as they stride by. Kankri felt a swell of emotion boil in his chest; this is the reason why he made these friends, they protect him from people who just don't understand him and the way he is. They also try to protect Kankri from himself at times when it's tough, they all must have felt like they failed when he went through the attempt and guilt zips through his stomach at the thought and he held his backpack tighter against him. Horuss opened the door to the classroom and let Rufioh and Kankri through, finding a table where they could stay together in hopes of protecting Kankri from whoever may come near.

They chose a table near the front so they could take part in the lesson and write notes down instead of having to look over people's shoulder. It's also an excuse for Kankri to leave when he feels too stressed out. As the students started to pile in, getting into their preferred seats, whispers started to occur, rumours being spoken to one another about why Kankri is back and what he actually did.

"I heard he tried to hang himself."

"No no, it was a gun, he tried to shoot himself." Another voice spoke hushed to their friend and a girl scoffed from another table.

"Obviously he didn't shoot himself because he wouldn't be alive." She bragged like she knew everything about suicide, looking at her painted nails. "He probably tried to OD."

"That's enough." The teacher boomed, outraged by the student's behaviour while Kankri was obviously hearing every word. The brunette was pretending like it didn't matter but it was only a mask to his true feelings; he wanted to cry and scream as he punched those kids that didn't seem to care about common decency. It was horrible to think that he would come back to people being so cruel but he knew it would happen, he was the golden egg to a schools drab surroundings, the talk of the town.

The teacher, better known as Mr Willard, began to write out his memo of what they're doing for the next hour on the white board, getting everyone to copy it down in their books as he strode over to where Kankri was sitting, bending down to speak in a hushed and sympathetic tone. "If you feel the need to leave at any time then you are allowed."

Kankri thanked Mr Willard for his kind words but it didn't help the strong lump in his throat; he wanted to go home and it was only the beginning of the day. He got through the first lesson with only a few remarks from ignorant people and carried on to his next lesson and this time instead of Horuss and Rufioh being his back up, he was with Porrim which made him feel a little better. They met up with her as the three boys came down the hallway, Kankri staying in the middle of them in case he gets dragged off by some crazed student wanting to know all the juicy details. Porrim brought him to her chest and hugged him tightly, kissing his head and sat with him near the front for the same reasons as before; an easy escape.

The teacher stood at the front with a grim frown on her elderly face, she was always holding that expression; perhaps she was always constipated? As the other students started to come in, she barked at them to quieten down and picked up a book from her desk before turning to the white board and writing out a paragraph of the book. It was half way into the novel so Kankri knew he wouldn't know anything that was going on and that stressed him out so much, just sitting there with a slightly panicked face as he stared at the long drabble of sentences on the board. Porrim noticed the look he was making and offered to share her notes like the godsend she was, Kankri happily accepted and leaned over to look at them, scribbling them out in short hand for his homework later.

The elderly teacher apparently didn't like that at all and started to shout at the two teenagers. "Don't mooch answers off your friend, Kankri Vantas! I know where you've been has set you for a long haul of catching up but I won't let you take someone else's hard work!"

Kankri was shocked and sat up straight, feeling extremely panicked that he was called out so rudely and even brought on why he was out of school. That was down thing she had to keep private, she could have come up to his desk and said it quietly but now all the students in the class heard and were looking at him and he started to sweat, the panic building because they won't stop staring and now they were talking about him behind his back and he could hear it. He wasn't going to last, he felt like he wanted to vomit. "Apologies, miss."

He bent over a little to write out the small amount of short hand that he could, trying to count to twenty to calm down. Porrim nudges him gently to tell him she's there for him, it helped him get through his calming stage and distract him from the students blabbering rumors behind him. Kankri then made a mental note for the next class; go to the back of the classroom because no one would be looking there. He then spent the rest of class finishing up his short hand, writing out today's lesson and doing something hat he nee thought he would do before; doodle on his book. He's never drawn on his class work before because he was always so into his studies, wanting to have a clean page of in case he needed extra notes on his work to help him pass the class. But now his need to pass is so slim that he doesn't actually care; he was ready to be away from all of it, the need to be excellent at school and the best son was so important to him, now it's full of failure and hatred for school making him a mess of anxiety and sadness.

He wanted to just leave again and be with Cronus.

Cronus.

He started to think about how the ghost boy was doing right now? Is he sad that it didn't work? That he couldn't be with Kankri anymore? They haven't been together for months now, it's almost like a good dream that he had woken up to.

He missed Cronus.

The bell rang for next class and it ripped Kankri out of his thoughts, Porrim looking at him with worry as she stood up from her seat. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" He pondered, perhaps she was talking about the sudden shock of a teacher calling him out, but he felt fine. He just missed Cronus.

"You started writing your notes weird. I didn't really see it but I noticed you dazed out from the lesson and that's not like you." She spoke honestly and Kankri had to frown and stop walking for a moment to look at her.

"Porrim I am fine, honest." He smiled at her to confirm that. She took it for now because she was late to her lesson, walking the other way and waving behind her at the brunette. Kankri thought about her concern all the way to his next lesson; history. He came through and then tried to go to the back but it was already full of students, so he returned to the front and sat on his own, starting to fear the worst. He was on his own in this class and students in here were the same from his first lesson, they were still talking about him as well. It's like they have no lives other than tormenting him, his hands were starting become clammy. The teacher walked in and greeted his students, beginning to set up today's lesson. A student from the back came and sat next to him, he knew he wasn't going to survive this hour. The teenager was one of his old bullies; made fun of him for being celibate and talking with proper etiquette, he was taller and had facial piercings, not that he cared for what he looked like. It was just off putting for him to suddenly sit there.

"So." He spoke up, peering over with a wolfish grin, Kankri not even glancing his way because he didn't want to entice the bully. "You tried to off yourself? And couldn't even do that?"

"I do not need your analogy on my life." Kankri cut him off as he copied down what the teacher was jotting down on the white board, trying his best to ignore the prude next to him snort at his proper etiquette.

"So it's true then?" He pushed into Kankri's personal space, his breath smelling like cigarette smoke and it made Kankri gag a little bit of course he didn't let that slip out. He moved along on the desk to get the bully out of his bubble, resuming to his notes. His handwriting needed some work; being away from school for so long not only effected what he was learning but how fast he wrote, his hand was starting to cramp up a little from the workout it had to do today. The bully didn't seem to give up though and continued to keep his beady eyes on his target, every now and again he would scoot closer until he was once again shoulder to shoulder with Kankri. "You don't look suicidal."

"I'm _trying_ to work." Kankri hissed out at him and leaned down to focus on his writing. The bully new it struck a cord and poked the brunette's side, earning him a jolt. "Stop that."

"What are you gonna do? Cut your wrists and cry on me?" He continued to abuse Kankri's side with poking and prodding, it was starting to stress the brunette out because he didn't want to cause a fuss in the room due it being such a quite class. He couldn't move away anymore, already up to the edge of the table and no one was helping him, people far too interested in getting the notes down for their grades, the students at the back were muffling their laughter behind their hands. "You gonna cry, suicide boy?"

His breath started to pick up, not even noticing at first that his lungs needed air. So much air.

Everything at the moment was zoned out; voices being echoey in his head and everything going slower than usual. He couldn't breathe and soon enough he was panting, trying to suck as much oxygen into his lungs as possible. The bully didn't really understand what was going on but he thought that he got enough of a response from his victim, turning back to his friends with a lopsided grin. They in turn told him to come back and he waited until the teacher's back was turned to write on the board once more score escaping to the back once more to reunite with his friends, not forgetting to shove Kankri as he went past.

In and out, in and out.

Breathe Kankri, you can do it.

In and count one two three...

It wasn't working, his chest rising and falling too fast for him to recover the air once lost. He was reverting back to the most basic thing he was taught in his therapy, counting to ten while breathing deeply and slowly. He was struggling to control his body, eyes darting around the room in search of anyone who he could ask for help, but there was no one.

He couldn't see properly due to the white specs dancing in his eyesight, he knew that was a bad sign and needed to get out of here.

"Kankri?"

No one cared.

He was always the target of harsh mental beatings and he couldn't help himself from noticing that everyone he's gone past today has gossiped about him.

Everyone knows.

But no one gives two shits about him, simply a toy to be wound up and watch him go.

Fuck.

FUCK.

He couldn't breathe.

He can't breathe.

He was dying.

Help. Someone help.

"Kankri? Are you alright?" The teacher had turned himself back to glance out through the class and noticed that Kankri was heaving quite laboredly. He remembered that there was some students in his lesson that used the poor teenager as a punching bag, he wasn't ruling it out as he walked toward Kankri and kneeled down beside the out of breath teenager.

Kankri felt a hand rest on his knee and his eyes darted to the teacher who was frowning with concern. He still couldn't breathe and shook his head because no, he wasn't okay, he wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Unable to fill his lungs and eyebrows turned down in pain, hearing the teacher asking him if he would like to go outside.

Of course he fucking does, this was humiliating. Everyone in the room had gone silent by this time, not knowing what to do, the teacher had taken hold of Kankri's arm delicately to help him out the room while he called one of his best students to grab his bag, leading him out of the classroom and outside where the air was more fresh. The teacher took the bag from the student who was awkwardly standing next to him. "Go down to reception and call Kankri's father to collect him."

With that, the student ran as fast as they could down the hallway, leaving the two of them alone. Kankri was grateful that everyone was in lesson and wouldn't have to see his embarrassing state, copying the teacher with breathing exercises to try and calm him down. It wasn't working, this was useless.

"I. Ca--n't fuh."

"Don't speak, just try to breathe with me." The teacher was being so helpful, but he probably felt sympathy for him. Maybe he was just trying to make it look like he actually cared about him, no one wants you here. You gonna cry, suicide boy?

"'M... Soh.. Ree.." At least he tried, tears pooling in his eyes and spilling over into his freckled cheeks, bottom lip wobbling like a child who's fell over and got a boo-boo. The teacher sighed and rubbed Kankri back, peering down the hallway to see if the student was coming back; maybe he should go down to reception too? That meant Kankri would be closer to leaving with his father.

"Don't apologize, this isn't your fault. None of this is your fault. Can you stand? Can you walk with me?" He helped Kankri get his bearings onto his feet, pulling the student's bag over his shoulder as he assisted the panting teenager down the hallway slowly; he didn't want Kankri to keel over with a fast pace run when he couldn't take proper breaths. It wasn't the best action but he didn't actually know what to do in this kind of situation. They made it down the hallway and the teacher spotted an older version of Kankri, looking more stressed out every moment he waited; must have been Kankri's father.

They made it down the steps without any slip ups and Mr Vantas collected his son from the teachers arms, going to where a couple of seats were planted for visitors and sitting Kankri down before going through their therapeutic breathing exercises.

Breathe in.

One... Two... Three...

Breathe out.

One... Two... Three...

The soft voice of his father was somewhat soothing for Kankri, it grounded him through the trials of panic. It was a stern tone but enough concern to show that he actually cared about his son's health. His lungs burned with the lack of oxygen yet still continued to count as he held his breath. Each time he breathed in, he would suck in more and more air until his diaphragm was distended and almost straining, letting it out slowly to not bring back the need for more.

They worked together for a good ten minutes, his father's knees aching from kneeling in front of Kankri but he endured because his son was feeling more pain that him. "That's it, my boy. Deep breaths, calm down. I'm taking you home."

After a panic attack, Kankri would feel drowsy and sluggish, wanting to just pass out where he was, leaning his head to rest against his father's shoulder to close his eyes. He felt a soothing rub on his back and a call for his bag which the teacher had politely handed over with a 'get well', footsteps going back up the stairs and no doubt returning to his lesson. Kankri didn't care, he just wanted the day to end and to be in his bed to sleep off the ache in his chest. He felt tears brimming again and squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to appear so broken in public. His father had helped him stand and even let him lean against him as they walked together to his father's car, getting in the passenger side and going limp in the seat as his father started up the car to drive home.

"I knew it was too early. Three months isn't enough to get over the trauma you've gone through, let alone go to school with everyone gossiping. Too early." Mr Vantas grumbled to himself as his son laid out partially asleep next to him. Kankri could hear his father but didn't want to say anything; even if he had faced the humiliation of a panic attack at school, he was glad he went because he got to see his friends after such a long time and catch up on his lessons. The guilt rose when he realized that his father was still in a suit, which meant that he had to leave his work to collect Kankri. He was a burden to his father.

"'M sorry..." He mumbled in hopes that he could be heard, shutting his eyes and falling asleep for the rest of the ride home, missing the sympathetic glance that his father had given him.

 

\--

 

When Kankri awoke from his dreamless sleep, he was in his room in the dark, his uniform still on. He forgot how he got in, his father must have carried him up the stairs or maybe it was the prevention guard.

He slipped out of the warmth of his bed to shuffle to the bathroom, noticing that the guard was nowhere to be seen in the hallway. Good, three months was long enough for a guard to be around. He emptied his bladder and washed his hands, noticing the mirror in front of him.

His eyes were almost shrunken into their sockets from the darkness circling them, crinkles on his forehead from the stressed out scowls. The person in the mirror appeared so much older than Kankri it was scary, why did he look so tired?

Tired.

He was tired of everything.

The memories of today bubbling in his stomach, rising up his throat like bile. Kankri slapped a hand over his chapped lips to hold back a sob; how could he have been so _stupid_?

Ugly.

He was ugly.

Everything about him was ugly.

The mirrors reflection of his broken figure taunts him; too thin. Lanky. Ugly. A disgrace to whoever knew him or will ever know him in the future. "You should have never been born."

He was done.

He had to be careful though, closing the bathroom door ever so gently so it wouldn't creak, locking it before searching. Searching through the cabinets for anything he could get his hands on that would cause him harm. Things like bleach would have been locked away from him, only to be opened up when it was day time and he was cleaning. Razors were out of the question.

Ah. There it is.

It's not much and it won't cause enough damage that Kankri would have liked but it will do, he needed it right now. In the back of the cleaning cupboard was a set of scissors, worn out from its overuse throughout the years. He grabbed it in his fist and got to work opening it up and pulling down his trousers, baring his thighs to the blade.

It took a while for the slice to actually take effect, as the scissors were so dull, he had to almost saw at the soft flesh of his thigh until it burned, seeing the red droplets dribble out the feeble cut and slide down his leg. He did it again and again.

_Slice. Dig. Cut. Bleed._

It felt so wrong for him to be doing this but he knew. His body deserved everything it was getting. All the pain of continuous mutilation was worth it.

_Slice. Saw. Cut. Slice. Saw. Dig. Cut. Slice._

Ah. There was so much blood.

His hand was getting confident with every new wound, digging deeper until the floor was starting to create a minuscule puddle under his thigh. Finally, he pulled away the scissors and let them fall to the floor with a heavy clank.

The deed was done, thirty seven gashes in his thigh, he deserved that. But it didn't make him feel any better, he wanted someone to come in and cradle him to their chest, kiss his head and tell him that it was going to be alright because they would look after him. Kankri knew who would do that in a heartbeat and that person wasn't around anymore, lost in the open air of the hospital without a hope of him being welcomed in the Vantas household.

" _Cronus_ , I need you. I'm so fucked up."


	12. Chapter 12

He completely forgot that his appointment was the next day. Waking up to the alarm of his phone and a blaring throb on his thigh was something he didn’t want to deal with, pulling back the covers and shivering as the cold morning air enveloped him. Peering down with bleary eyes, Kankri inspected the damage from the night before; deep, raw looking slashes all across his thigh, jagged and ugly. He hated himself in that moment but knowing that his father was going to come in if he didn’t hear his footsteps. He got up with a stretch and started to find clothing, hopefully something that would be easy on his legs today.

Turns out luck wasn’t on his side today either because as soon as he pulled on his sweater, his father came in to inspect the room. Kankri was glad that his back was turned to his parental figure, playing the innocent and embarrassed child card and shouted tiredly behind him. “Father! Don’t you knock?!”

“This is my house, I don’t have to do anything. You on the other hand have ten minutes to get your butt downstairs, eat something and get in the car.” Mr Vantas huffed out and shut the door behind him, leaving his son to get changed. Kankri started to fumble around the room to get any pair of trousers on his legs in case that happened again, finding some jeans and yanking them up his legs, letting out a pained hiss because they were his only pair of skinny jeans. He had to pick the ones that were almost too tight for him; he wouldn’t get rid of them though because they made his ass look amazing. Not that he was trying to get that kind of attention, simply a matter of self-love on his part. Grabbing the things he would need and shoving them in his pockets; his phone and the zippo, he could feel the crusted slashes breaking open at the movement on his thighs; this was most definitely not his day.

Coming downstairs ever so slowly, he noticed that his brother was sitting opposite the suicide prevention guard, eating his toast and drawing on the newspaper, probably finishing off the crosswords for that day. He greeted them both with a fake smile and went behind the counter to make himself some cereal, having to dodge his father who was pacing around the room in a panic trying to find everything he would need at the hospital, he was always like this when it came to one of Kankri’s appointments, another disappointment of him more like. He politely sat at the table and began to enjoy his breakfast as much as he could; sitting down actually put more pressure on the cuts that were probably opening up from the movement and squeezing of fabric on his sensitive wounds. Still, he kept a cheerful face to not put anyone off what he was really thinking, keeping his attention on his food.

“Finish you next spoonful and leave it for Karkat to clean up, come on.” His father called down the hallway, already set up to leave, keys jingling in his hand. Kankri breathed out a sigh and shovelled a big spoonful into his mouth and stood up from the table, brushing a lock of curly brown hair over his ear as he bid his house guest a good day; the man must be so happy to have a couple hours off duty to do what he wanted. The teenager then stepped in his slip on shoes and followed his father out into the car, strapping himself in and preparing himself for the terrible music his father plays while driving. The ride there wasn’t that far but the traffic was the problem; the hospital was a busy place of course and there was only a small parking area for people, staff had their own car park so they didn’t have to worry and they have even had a labour parking lot for women who were not concerned at all about getting the car into a designated place but more on getting a baby out of them.

They arrived at nine forty seven and Kankri leapt out the small car, starting to walk away from his father and going inside the entrance, up to the desk and to alert his therapist that he was here and waiting. It normally took a while for his therapist to reply to him so he did what he had always done while waiting, taking out of his phone and texting the only person that would be up at this hour.

**To: P9rrim**   
**9:49am**   
**At the h9stpial. H9w are we g9ing t9 d9 this?**

**From: P9rrim**   
**9:50am**   
**Yo+u will think o+f so+mething, Kanny. Maybe g+ing to+ the bathro+o+m and do+ing it there will help?**

**To: P9rrim**   
**9:50am**   
**I simply cann9t, what if s9me9ne catches me talking t9 myself? Then I will need m9re therapy w9rk, it w9n’t end.**

His father then decided to come in at this time, having found a parking space and paid for the next hour. Though, he will have to go out in another and pay for his son once more because their time was always two hours. He sat down next to Kankri and leaned back against the cushioned seat, letting out a much needed sigh of relief as he gazed out at the other patients waiting for someone to come out and see them. Kankri greeted his father with a nod and a soft thankful smile before continuing his texting, they didn’t speak much but it was enough communication for them both to now that he was grateful that he was trying.

**From P9rrim**   
**9:51am**   
**Sto+p being a child and go+ get yo+ur man.**

**To P9rrim**   
**9:53am**   
**He’s n9t my ‘man’ P9rrim and I w9uld like it if y9u w9uld st9p using that. It c9uld trigger Cr9nus.**

**From P9rrim**   
**9:54am**   
**Riiiiiight. Just triggering Cro+nus. Go+o+d luck.**

With that, she had stopped replying, probably curling her hair all smug now. She always had a way to get Kankri to do what he had always hesitated to accomplish. With her orders and checking the time to see if he could make it in time, the brunette sighed and stood up, excusing himself to the bathroom to start his mission. It was surprising to find out that the men’s room was vacant and so he quickly situated himself into a stall and pulled out the zippo in question. Now that he looked at it in detail, rubbing his thumb over the lid; it was slightly rusting, probably from all that time left under the bed without anyone using it. He flipped open the lid, staring down at the light and flint inside as he inhaled. This was it. He was going to call Cronus and no one would stop him, not even a visitor or his father telling him that the therapist had arrived to collect him.

Putting his thumb in action, he flicked the light and saw it sparkle and fizz out, a thin line of smoke wafting up from it. Glancing around the stall to find Cronus, he found nothing but the three walls and door. He tried again, flicking the light once more with his face up and eyes darting around the small compartment. “Come on… Come on, please….”

Again and again he set the small flint aflame and time again it failed to bring the ghost to him. He was going to cry; the frustration radiating inside him was almost unbearable. He heard the bathroom door open and a couple of voices but none of them were the ones he wanted to hear. He continued the ministrations until the pad of his thumb started to bleed, tears welling up in his eyes and falling over to trickle down his freckly cheeks. The people in the bathroom had enough time to relieve themselves, wash their hands and leave before Kankri completely broke down, sliding down the stalls wall onto the cold and slightly damp tiles below. He sobbed hard, trying to muffle it in the sleeves of his sweater. This was it, Cronus wasn’t going to be coming back to visit him and he had probably passed on by now. The thought of the ghost boy’s last moment on earth being alone and lost all hope was one of the most heart-breaking moments in Kankri’s life.

The wailing had quietened down enough thanks to the thickness of the sweater, still, the bathroom was empty and Kankri could be able to hear his pitiful whimpering bounce off the walls. He must have looked pathetic; crying over a ghost that he had only known for a number of months. For all he knew, Cronus could have still been a part of his imagination and all this was futile. “So stupid. Pathetic. I should have just, just died.”

“Don’t say that.”

Kankri’s head zipped up but no one was there in the stall with him. He got confused but tried out a thought in his head, reaching up and opening the stall door and gasping at the sight for sore eyes. The pale ghost boy was standing next to the row of sinks, his face attempting to show happiness but it mirrored a deep sense of depression just like Kankri.

The brunette crawled forward almost in a trance, fresh tears of joy springing forth and releasing down his face as he stopped at Cronus’ feet, turning his head up unafraid of the dead eyes staring down at him. He began apologizing then, for not being able to bring him home and for giving him false hope that he would get out of this building. He didn’t give a single fuck if anyone walked inside right now and saw him in this state, they hadn’t been together for so long and he was letting it all out. “I’m so sorry.”

Cronus didn’t know what to do, he had been put into this situation suddenly out of his long state of being isolated and he didn’t know how to comfort the teenager in front of him like he used to. He had been waiting for so long for a flick so that he would arrive at Kankri’s house and live with him through the years as the teenager grew up to be a handsome man. But no, he never got the chance. Throughout the months, something in him changed and he had a feeling deep down that he wouldn’t be able to leave the hospital. He kept his hope alive though, wishing for that spark to come for many months but it never came, he was alone. Cronus kept to himself and clung to the memories that he had of Kankri because he doesn’t know when he’s going to be able to communicate with another person. He still had the feeling of longing for the depressed teenager and felt the love radiate from him, the feeling was mutual too. Now this was it, the teenager kneeling before him begging for forgiveness and he wasn’t saying anything. He should fix that.

The ghost kneeled down in front of Kankri and let out a shaky sigh. He wanted to touch those freckled cheeks and tell him it would be alright but he knew that lying to Kankri wount help any matters, it certainly wasn’t going to make him healthy again, so he simply resting his deathly pale hand on Kankri’s thigh instead and spoke with a breathy, sore sounding voice. “Did you try to bring me with you?”

“I tried, I tried so hard!” Tears dropped and sank through the ghost’s hand, soaking Kankri’s jeans underneath. Cronus smiled sadly at the mess in front of him, knowing he caused this distress would have given him a pang of guilt in his chest, if only he could feel that kind of emotion.

“I forgive you, Kan. I knew you never give up on me.” That just seemed to make him sob harder, covering his mouth with his wet sleeve as the waterworks continued almost endlessly. Cronus didn’t know what to do, gazing at the brunette that had actually been able to see and interact with him for the first time in so many years. Watching Kankri cry was heart-breaking and he couldn’t bare it anymore, trying to get his attention by placing his frozen hands on those sweet, freckled cheeks. “How do I go with you?”

Kankri paused for a moment and his breath caught in his throat. Cronus was right; this meeting was only temporary and he would have to be called to the therapists office probably really soon. He would have to disappear into the hospital again because Kankri couldn’t stay in the toilets forever. He thought, perhaps he could make Cronus go inside the zippo? He could then be opened up at home like a genie or something. Of course, Cronus wasn’t a genie. That idea was also what they first did and look what happened. Still, he voiced the pitiful idea to Cronus and watched his snicker, he was right, too risky. They weren’t going to wait another four months to see each other again.

“I don’t know.” Kankri finally said in defeat, wiping his tears on his sleeve. This wasn’t going to work out and they both knew it, the worst part was knowing they couldn’t do anything about it. The brunette stood up and took care of his appearance in the mirror, fixing up his complexion then proceeded to slip the zippo in his pocket when the door opened roughly to reveal his father looking out of breath and frustrated.

“Your therapist has been waiting for ten minutes! You’ve been in here for twenty minutes, Kankri! We were worried you had done something stupid!” He came in and grabbed his son’s face, spotting the red blotchy eyes and had no other reaction but to bring his son in his arms and hold him tight. “I was so worried.”

“I’m sorry.” Kankri didn’t really know what was going on but he rolled with it, better than saying that the ghost boy he met while in recovery had popped up again and he was having a meeting which involved the tears. He simply hugged back and noticed the suicide prevention guard seemingly pissed off by the door. They had probably called one of them to check out the scene but was let down by just a crying kid. His father let go and stepped back, breathing out a heavy breath of relief and went to the door, waving his hand for his son to follow, Kankri wavering as he glanced at Crnous in the corner of his eye. The ghost had backed away when the door opened up and was put off by the sight of an older looking Kankri. “Can you wait outside just for a moment longer?”

His father wasn’t pleased but left to Kankri’s wishes and shut the door, having to thank and apologize to the guard anyway. The brunette had little to no time to lose and turned towards Cronus once more. “Come with me, stay with me while I’m in therapy because I do not want to be alone in there. I need you by my side, Cronus.”

The ghostly greaser didn’t know what to say, he’s never really heard about therapists and what they did but he trusted that Kankri wasn’t going to do anything irrational like talk about him and point him out to the therapist, so he agreed to follow. It was enough for Kankri to lift the corners of his mouth slightly as he went to the door and opened it up for them to exit. They went into the waiting room where his therapist was sitting patiently, not a speck of agitation in her facial features but he knew she was probably very annoyed and started to apologize but she lifted her hand to silence him. She stood up from her seat with a polite smile and proceeded to the elevator,  Kankri knowing to follow suit and the ghost trailed behind them, watching Kankri’s father take a seat and go into his bag for a book; he guessed that Kankri did the sessions alone for privacy reasons?

They sat down in a medium sized room, the desk, chairs and shelves taking up most of the room as the woman sat down, Kankri taking a seat opposite her. Cronus chose to stay close and so he sat on the only seat left which was closest to Kankri and watches the lady lift up a thick file and set it on her lap as she opened it up to a fresh page, writing down the date and then gazing up at her patient. “Hello Kankri, that was an unfortunate start to our session but I’m glad you are able to have it here we can talk about what happened if you would like?”

Kankri had calmed down since his little fiasco in the bathroom and it brought back the pain with him, he had to straighten his leg out because he completely forgotten the cuts up his thigh and now it was coming back full swing. He tried to hold in the wince as he spoke with a soft tone, keeping his face neutral. “We can, a lot has happened since we last spoke.”

“Oh? Tell me, what has happened since our last appointment?” She questioned softly. The last time they had a session, Kankri had needed so many tissues from the amount of sobbing he had done; speaking about his past trials had always been severely triggering for him so she was trying to be gentle for the poor teenager.  Kankri couldn’t return her gaze, instead finding an interest with his shoes. He shrugged in reply, not being able to speak a lie that he was okay, it seemed almost cruel to give the therapist false hope that he was getting better under her care when all he was doing, is falling down a deeper hole that he knows he cannot escape from. They had three sessions, all been two hours long and yet nothing has made him feel better about himself or what he had done.

“I went back to school yesterday, but I couldn’t make it all the way through.” His lip quivered at the thought of what he had done after he had returned home. Stupid kid. Why did you do that?

The therapist frowned at the facial features Kankri was making and wrote it down in her notes, it obviously didn’t go well. She chose to be sympathetic but wanted to push things forward to open Kankri up again and help him with his main problems, not just a small one. “It’s ordinary to not be able to cope in an environment like that, when you’ve come back from something traumatising as a suicide attempt and return to the place that had pushed you over the edge. Understandable. Can you tell me what was difficult about that school day? Anything specific?”

Kankri’s mind went black; he stared across to the therapist’s gentle face and glossy lips. He was being encouraged to speak openly but he just couldn’t, the words were there but he couldn’t open his mouth to speak them. Instead he gave a haunted look to the lady and watched her nod because she obviously knew he wasn’t going to say anything but it was at least a try, she was going to change the topic to something more bearable when Kankri spluttered out. “Bullying.”

“You were bullied at school?”

“Mm… P-Panic attack. It was. I. They seem to always know. And. Um. They just push me. And push me, push me harder. I just snapped. I couldn’t take it. Couldn’t take it anymore.” His sentences were broken as he hugged himself, he felt so stupid for saying these things because it was a normal occurrence in schools now, almost everyone got bullied and he wasn’t some special snowflake because he got picked on. He also wasn’t the one that had bullies drive him to the edge. Of course, it wasn’t just the school that drove him, but it still stung. “There had been rumors.”

“About you?” The therapist was getting her scoop so she was content, yet her face read that she wanted to help more, save him from the suffering he was going through. He knew she couldn’t help him to the fullest though and he was okay with admitting that he was a handful.

“In class, they were discussing me like I was celebrity gossip.” He grit his teeth while remembering what they had said and copied one of the shrill voices of the group that he had overheard from. “’I heard he hung himself’ ‘I heard he shot himself’ and one girl obviously knew everything about suicide because she said that I wouldn’t be alive if I shot myself and said that I had an overdose.”

“Did that cause the panic attack?” She questioned softly, knowing that it was a sore wound to touch but it needed caressing in order for it to heal. Kankri’s lips turned into a cringe but shook his head and explained with a shaky voice what the bully had told him in the next class. The lady took the time to nod accordingly and jotted down his words into the file, it was a thick wad of information for just three months, just goes to show how fucked up Kankri was, but he knows that no one would say that. His hands slipped into his pockets in search of the zippo, the need for comfort just there and he gazed over to see what the ghost boy was doing. Cronus was sitting and watching the session with intent, he had never been to one of these before so it was confusing for him, plus watching his love be forced to go through all this hardship without any of his protection was almost unbearable to listen to. But he was there for Kankri and so he would suffer through what the brunette was saying, if it was hard to listen to then it must have been traumatic for Kankri to go through first hand.

He noticed Kankri tense up a lot while the lady was interviewing him but just a glance over at him was enough to put the teenager at ease, which made him preen in a sense of pride. He was doing something that the therapist could never do, love Kankri for who he is and made him feel safe and wanted. The therapist moved onto a different topic as the session went on and he saw as Kankri’s wall finally broke down, breaking out into a sob and not giving a single fuck who saw. He soldiered on for his love, getting up from the seat and kneeling down next to the teenager to rest his frozen hand on the freckled one. It was enough that Kankri calmed down, wiping his eyes to search for those dull ones but they both knew he didn’t want to be going through this again. The therapist wasn’t doing anything to help him, just opening up old wounds and watching them bleed while they questioned him. Kankri deserves someone that could make him feel like he wasn’t an alien to everyone around him, have someone to understand his pain because they went through seriously hard times enough that it almost mirrors each other. Therapists can’t do that, he could.

The lady and Kankri spoke for a little while longer, the topic being changed to his home life and how he was coping in that way. Kankri didn’t want to say that it was alright because it obviously wasn’t; everyone was fine in his house and the guard was leaving next week so he could be more free but he still wasn’t happy with himself, her certainly wasn’t going to say that he had self-harmed again because that would upset the therapist. She probably thought he was getting better so he was going to act lie it was, slightly. Before he could speak though, the timer went off on the desk and the therapist lifted her head. “Our session is up; I think we have progressed from last time. Thank you for talking with me, as always.”

It was sort of a relief for the teenager because it was over, but he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to leave Cronus to fend for himself in the hospital again while he suffered at home. He watched the lady stand up and go over to her desk to turn the timer off, setting the file down on the wooden desk. Kankri followed suit by standing up slowly, wincing when the jeans stuck to his opened cuts. Cronus was watching him and he knows that the ghost had understood why he was in pain, his face turned down to his thigh and then back up at his face, eyes will dead but his brows were turned down in sympathy and his own self pain. The therapist gave him a tissue for the ride home and opened the door for him, smiling sadly at him. “Remember my number is given to your father so you can call me anytime.”

“Thank you. I’ll see you next week.” He knew he wasn’t going to last a week but he kept up the false façade to please the lady, going through the door and down the hallway. He was supposed to go down the stairs to his father right after the session but he wanted to have more time with Cronus because he knew once he was downstairs, he would have to leave and he knew he would be going home without the ghost. Instead, he went into a disabled toilet and locked the door, seeing that Cronus walked through the hard wood with ease. “Aren’t you going to leave?”

“I wanted to talk to you more, I missed you.” He sat down on the floor while leaning on one of the cold walls. It hurt to move his leg so he had to check on that. Cronus sat down in front of him, legs being bunched up and brought to his chest again, it was his favourite position to sit in. “Have you missed me?”

“Of course, I always miss you.” If Cronus could blush, he would be right now. He rested his chin on his knees and watched Kankri start to undo his trousers, tilting his head a little. “What are you doing?”

Kankri kept his eyes downward with a flush on his cheeks but he continued to strip his lower half, pulling the tight jeans down ever so carefully. “I think you know but just to say; I’m checking on my thigh.”

“So you _did_ harm yourself.” Cronus tutted but took in the eyeful of smooth, freckly skin, it wasn’t every day that he could get a look at his love’s half naked body, even if the mood wasn’t the right one, he still enjoyed the view. That is to say, until he saw the severe redness on one of the tanned legs, the more Kankri pulled his jeans down, the more Cronus saw the serious injury. It looked infected to say the least, opened up too many times and rubbed raw against tight denim, the cuts were inflamed and tinged a slight yellow color at parts, Kankri obviously didn’t treat the wounds when he did them. He probably left them to fester overnight and it touched something so that the dirt gets inside the wound. “You better clean that when you get home.”

“I’m cleaning it now.” Kankri collected a couple of tissues from the toilet roll and dampened it under the tap for a moment before dabbing at the gashes on his thigh. It was painful, the stinging almost radiating down his whole leg.

“Well I hate to burst your bubble, Kan. Water doesn’t do anything but make the wound wet. If you want to treat it then you’ll have to sanitize it and take antibiotics.” The ghost watched with a grimace; it was horrible to witness Kankri fumble around with the wet tissues, just managing to get his leg wet. All it was doing was cleaning up the dry blood, but more will replace that if the cuts aren’t healed and he wears those jeans again.

Kankri was too busy trying the stuff the tissues against his wound in hopes that it will do its job, hearing the ghost’s advice wasn’t helpful and before he knew it, he was snapping at the only one that actually understood him. “Well I’m _sorry_ I’m not an expert on tearing apart my leg, _Cronus_! Do you really think that I care about what my cuts need at this point in time?! They just hurt and I want to clean it, _not_ get your sass because you’ve done it before!”

Kankri couldn’t stop himself; the words just flowed like a tap that had its handle broken. It hurt him to the core but he had been holding in for so long and it was directed at the one who could actually help him. The flinch that flashed in Cronus’ eyes was going to haunt him for the rest of his life; he wasn’t one to hurt others, he knew how that felt and to have done it to the one he cared so deeply about crushed him. He stopped pressing the tissues down on the raw skin, instead gazing at the ghost boy with a look of both regret and sorrow. He couldn’t really take back the words that had probably struck Cronus heavily; instead he lowered his head a spoke softly at the tiles instead. “I’m sorry. I’m just. I’m so done with everything; I don’t want to go on like this anymore. The falseness of hiding behind a mask and telling everyone that I’m perfectly fine when I’m dying inside. I’m _dying_ , Cronus.”

“You have to go on, Kan. Babe, I know it’s hard but you have to live on for me. Do you know what I would give to be able to breathe once more, to be among the living one last time and actually have them respond to m talking, to my presence?” The ghost boy’s vice cracked as he spoke, the passion in his voice almost hurting with the amount of emotion being released from them. It gave Kankri shivers but did nothing to help the knot welling up in his throat.

“That just makes me sound so selfish. Take it. Take over my life, Cronus, because I cannot do it anymore.” The soaked tissues were no longer needed and were thrown on the floor with a wet slap, Kankri glancing down at it and thinking to himself how much his life was kind of like that pile of cold, wet tissues. It was a mess, full up with overwhelming problems that he couldn’t solve, didn’t want to solve and he didn’t want to deal with it anymore, it was destroying him. He could only be kind and understanding for so long before breaking, and that is what he did. Warm tears began to well up and trickle down those freckled cheeks for the second time today and he heard the defeated sigh of Cronus across from him. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Cronus didn’t want to deal with just simply watching an overemotional Kankri cry it out again and so he crawled forwards and sat in front of the teenager, resting his frozenly pale hand on a bare thigh, hoping the chill coming off of him would help soothe the pain enough for Kankri to deal with. It wasn’t much but enough that Cronus didn’t feel worthless. He leaned forwards to rest his cold forehead against Kankri’s, shutting his eyes and letting the words flow out naturally. “You don’t have to be sorry, I know life is hard. I know all too well. I wish I could help you more, come to your home and sleep with you when you’re awake because you had a nightmare or you’re too upset to sleep. I wish I could just make a prayer and all your problems would magically disappear, but that isn’t going to work. People suffer, you suffer, but only to get a better understanding about the world around them, the best kinds of people are the ones that know how cruel the world is.”

“Cronus, please. You’re passionate but I just can’t think of anything about persevering right now. I have to face the facts that I’m never going to be happy. Not when I’m not with you.” The words were whispered out; there was no need to project it when they were in such close proximity, plus to speak about emotions was already hard without having to raise their voice so they stayed with whispering. The nuzzle wasn’t meant as anything intentionally but Kankri loved having Cronus there, so close to him that he could rub the tip of his nose into the ghost boy’s dead cheek. Cronus took this as a great time to nuzzle his cold nose into the crook of Kankri’s neck, eyes shut as the two of them took in the moment. It was strange to let all these feelings out while they were in a disabled toilet and the brunette was half naked from the waist down but it was needed. 

Cronus sat as close as he could, wanting to be the one that Kankri leans on without seeming too invasive on the teenager. It seemed that Kankri craved the attention because a freckled hand reached out to hold his pale one, it was a little difficult but with the time that Cronus had spent alone, he had figured out how to make his body hard enough for people to touch it. It took a lot of concentration but he was happy he was able to be there for Kankri when he wanted a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold onto. What he didn’t expect was lips on his earlobe; it was a strange feeling because he hadn’t been that active in his life before dying, not that he knows of. In his small range of emotions, this was all new to him. The warmth radiating on his ear and the hot breath would make him shiver if he wasn’t dead, yet his still heart figuratively soared at the thought that Kankri was giving him this attention. He knew that the brunette was celibate and anything he did was a serious act to him so he leaned into the contact, not knowing when he would get it again. Kankri had shut his eyes and let his emotions take over, at this moment in time; nothing would get in the way of them two finally being together.

Cronus pulled his head back so that their eyes could meet. The room cold and quiet but their mood was being heated up between them, enough that it could almost take the teenager’s breath away with a glance. They didn’t want to move just in case everything broke around them, Kankri’s breath hot on Cronus’ freezing blue lips. It was enough for now, their faces so close yet not touching, eyes darting down to something they couldn’t get the confidence to achieve. But it was there, right in front of them. They just couldn’t reach out to grab it just yet.

“Cronus…”

“I know…”

Footsteps were heard walking past the door and at first it wasn’t much for the two to actually care about, people have been strolling by a lot in the time that they have been in the toilet. The voice that called for Kankri was a different matter though. His father was calling him with a worried tone trembling in his throat, the teenager could hear it. His father always ruined things that made him somewhat happy in this dark world. Cronus notice that Kankri had moved his attention to the door and was about to open his mouth, ask what he had wanted to do when lips were suddenly place upon his.

It was a major surprise and the ghost was stunned, unable to move for a moment, his concentration moved a smidge and Kankri fell forward, quickly catching himself just in time and chuckling softly. “I’m sorry, did I startle you?”

“Yeah, I just. Can we do that again?” Cronus sounded out of breath and his dull eyes darted to Kankri’s flushed lips and back up to those chocolate abysses. “If you want to, that is.”

“I do.” The smile that shone on his face was enough to lighten up Cronus’ entire world. They fidgeted until they were in the right position, leaning in once more and Cronus concentrated fully to keep himself solid so that Kankri could kiss him for longer. Their lips connected softly, even though the lack of nerve endings working, Cronus could feel the warmth on his mouth, an emotion he hadn’t known for a very long time ran through him and curled into his stomach. It was love.

Kankri’s eyes were shut, taking in the moment they most likely wouldn’t share again. His father could be heard in the background but he was focusing fully on the ghost in front of him, his frozen mouth almost sticking to his but not completely, enough that they could move together gracefully. The tongue was a shock but not unwanted, melting into it with a groan rumbling in his chest. Cronus could hear it and he was glad he acted out on his wants, rolling his cold tongue around a more clumsy but warm one inside Kankri’s mouth. It was adorable, to know that the teenager had probably never been kissed before and that he was the one to take it, a gay ghost, in the disabled toilets, with his father looking for him desperately. Cronus knew this wasn’t going to last and so he savoured his moment, sucking up the last of his memories as he could, opening his eyes and reaching down to hold those freckled hands once more, entwining his fingers as they kissed messily.

Kankri didn’t want to stop but he knew he must, his father had probably called the nurse and thousands of guards, probably the police too no doubt. He was such a worrisome man. Then again, it was Kankri who was making him stressed out in the first place. He pulled away from the kiss with a sad whine, his tongue peeking out of his lips to lick the saliva on his flushed mouth. “I really should. Get...”

“Yeah. Go home, Kanny babe.” Cronus tried not to sound upset but the wavering was already coming out; he didn’t want to make it harder for the teenager to leave. He wanted Kankri to live a long, happy life. He was also hoping that he would be there to watch it but he knew he wasn’t, he also knew that the brunette wouldn’t have much time left either. Something inside of Cronus told him that he should keep his lover dearly close to him, even if it costs him.

That something wasn’t speaking loud enough apparently because Kankri was standing up and getting his jeans back on, whimpering at the pain rising again as the denim squeezed and rubbed harshly against the raw skin. It was painful to watch but he wanted to, looking Kankri up and down to hopefully remember every moment that he had ever been with him. Who knows when they would see each other again? He noticed that Kankri wanted to do something but couldn’t get down low enough without having to hurt his thigh and so he stood up. They pecked their lips as Kankri unlatched the lock, pushing open the door into the mostly bare hallway. He had a stoic face once more, albeit a little flushed and eyes red and blotchy from the tears spilling, they walked out together until Cronus spotted a guard, pointing him out for Kankri to find and lift his hands up to wave at the older man.

The guard ran over and rumbled a message into his radio, and then checked to see if anything was wrong with the teenager. Nothing to report but he had been crying; his eyes puffy and red. He lead Kankri to the stairs and down to the waiting room where they met up with his father who was out of breath, he probably ran all the way back as soon as they alerted him of Kankri’s whereabouts. He collected his son in his arms and squeezed him tightly, breathing out shakily. “Don’t you scare me like that _ever_ again.”

The freckled brunette nuzzled his chin into his father’s shoulder and stayed silent, peering at the ghost who stayed with him but didn’t want to get too close; he didn’t want to be seen in his solid form and it tickled him when someone walked through him. they took one last look at each other, not knowing when they would be able to see each other again, possibly never. Cronus wanted so badly to give Kankri a kiss goodbye but he knows he can’t, only wave his transparent hand at the teenager and watch him smile sadly before pulling away from his father. Mr Vantas said thank you and goodbye to the guards, who by now were probably sick of their shit, twice in one visit that they had to do a search for this boy. He grabbed his son gently by his wrist and spoke to him while they were leaving together. “Next session, I’m coming with you; I don’t want you doing another disappearing act like that again.”

Kankri didn’t care at that point in time, the only thing that mattered to him right now was Cronus, glancing over his shoulder to see the ghost in the walk way, waving sadly before fading off, he was going to hide in the hospital until they met again. That was almost a month of no contact from anyone. It was going to drive Kankri crazy just knowing Cronus was alone all day every day for four weeks. The thought of what he had to go through was almost maddening, he wanted to be with Cronus, he _needed_ to. He was going to stop his pace to the car an turn around, run back and shout for the ghost, to live in the hospital forever but he knew he couldn’t do that, he’d just look insane and then he would be carried off somewhere else, nowhere near the hospital. Instead, he simply muttered a yes to his father, got in the car and strapped himself in, gazing out the window and prayed anyone, anything out there to make time go faster so that he could see Cronus again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eeek! Next chapter will be the last one!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys I'm both happy and a that this will be the final chapter, it took so much work and effort to not get depressed over this. 
> 
> But here it is! 
> 
> Warning this chapter will have a vivid suicide.

Everyone had noticed it.

Since the last visit at the hospital, Kankri had slowly been getting worse; introverting himself deep within his own mind. He didn’t speak very often and when he did it was small words. He went back to school and walked the halls like a zombie; people started rumours about him again but he didn’t listen anymore, others saw that the people who were bullying him no longer did because they couldn’t get a reaction out of him anymore.

The days that passed was almost unbearable to Kankri. He was suffering, the pain that came without Cronus was like a limb that had been forcibly cut off, wanting to feel again, to be able to touch and feel and _live_ with it again but was stopped. Every breath he took was like swallowing pure depression; he thought he was low before but this is just ridiculous. Every moment he was alone, he would weep, at night when everyone was asleep and he wouldn’t be judged, he would crumble down and soak his pillow with his tears. But when the day went on brightly, as if it was clueless to Kankri’s suffering, and the freckled teenager went to school, he would wear a mask and hide his true feelings from everyone, even his own friends. But still, everyone knew he was tipping off the edge; the worst part was that they could stop him this time but he wasn’t asking to help.

The self-harm had gotten worse, every time Kankri would be in the bathroom to bathe or brush his teeth, a blade was always with him. The jagged end of the scissors would pierce his flesh over and over again until he was biting his lip and whimpering at the ferocious sting. This time though, he would make sure that he cleaned each cut delicately, following Cronus’ instructions on how to take care of his wounds properly to stop infection from setting in. It triggers him again to think of Cronus and so he would cry once more, it was a never ending cycle. At school he would always wear his sweater now, internally thanking Porrim for this gift because it was amazing at hiding the gashes.

By the second month, when the suicide prevention guard said farewell and left, was when Kankri really took his dive into despair. Without someone to protect him from himself, he was allowed to go anywhere and do anything that he liked. His habits for holding onto life was becoming a distress for everyone because he wouldn’t eat for days, only surviving on water and of course, cutting was a serious issue for him now but he didn’t care. Kankri wanted to suffer because he was still able to leave buildings, was still able to learn and be around people who could see him, unlike Cronus who was stuck in one place without any company. He would also start to drink; even though he despised the taste, he would gulp down the liquid, coughing as it burned his throat but it did the trick, vodka was an aid for when he felt like he wanted to end it all. Better to be drunk than dead, right?

 His friends were starting to pull away ever since he snapped at them for caring too much. They were at the bench eating their lunches, Kankri sitting there doing his homework because he didn’t pack any food for himself, his cheeks bones were slightly bonier and every now and again everyone would hear a soft grumble of his stomach. Porrim had enough, turning to her best friend and getting his attention by putting her hand on his work. “Kanny, I’m doing an intervention.”

Kankri didn’t respond, simply lifted his head and slipped his sheet of paper from under her painted fingers to write once more. Rufioh and Horuss both frowned and the taller of the two took away the homework and pen, keeping it out of the brunette’s grasp. Kankri sighed softly and glanced at both of them, the shadows under his eyes extremely prominent now that he was staring directly at them. “Listen to Por.”

“I’m fine, honestly, leave me to do my work.” The teenager reached once more for the paper, only to have it snatched away from him again. Porrim spoke once more, setting her hand on her friends arm in worry, her scowl turning into a full on frown of heartache.

“We are all worried about you, Kanny. You obviously aren’t eating and you’re obsessed with being silent, that’s not like you at all. You’ve changed and it’s effecting us.” She spoke softly but made her point firmly, the others nodding to encourage her, all thinking the same thing. “We just want the best for you, but we know you’re suffering. How can we help?”

“I am sorry, but you cannot help me.” Kankri once again tried for his homework and watched it being lifted higher by Horuss. He tutted and stood up, arm up and grabbed the paper, his sweater sleeve slipping down a little to reveal the horror that his friends had been concerned about. They gasped and Porrim grabbed her friend’s slim wrist and pulled up the sweater sleeve, finding new and old scars, cuts still weeping from earlier and dried blood on a few as they opened up. She scowled and her eyes darted up to Kankri’s about to say something before the brunette ripped his arm away from her, pulling his sleeve down and standing up, collecting his bag and turning back to his friends. “How dare you. Honestly, how _fucking_ dare you, invading my privacy like that, give me back my work right now.”

Horuss didn’t want any feud between them and gave his angered friend back his work, Kankri stuffing it in his bag and lugging it over his shoulder to speak once more. “I told you I was fine, not to worry about me, yet you do not listen to me, touching me without my permission and even worse, have the audacity to say that _I_ am the one that needs help? You think you can help me with a small conversation? Embrace me and tell me everything is going to be alright? It is not going to be okay and I can personally say you are the _worst_ friends I have ever had for making me think for a moment that you _actually_ cared. Stop pretending and if I ever see you coming towards me I will make myself clear once more that you are not to speak to me.”

With that, Kankri stopped away into an empty classroom, leaving his friends to eat in silence. Porrim broke down into tears but it didn’t bother him anymore, right now all he needed was a drink and a blade to take all his anger and depression out on himself.

They had taken heed to what he had said though because they didn’t come near him anymore, though they did glance over to him just in case he had changed his mind. Their faces were always grim whenever Kankri walked past and rumours had started spreading again about him because someone heard him shouting. None of that mattered to him anymore, he just wanted Cronus to make everything alright again. He wanted those cold arms around him, those dead lips on his and that cold breath making shivers down his spine.

 

\--

 

His father drove him to the hospital, the appointment was meant to be in half an hour and it didn’t take long for them to get caught in the traffic of the hospital’s parking areas. Kankri was going to get out and go to the desk to alert the therapist that they were here when a firm hand on his thigh stopped him. His father’s stern voice radiating behind him. “You’re not leaving my sight this time, son.”

Damn it, he forgot that his father made him promise that he would come with him so that he doesn’t run off anywhere. His plan was just starting to get difficult, but he would still do it, he wouldn’t stay with Cronus for a short time only to leave him alone again while he went home and lived his stressful and meaningless life again. He won’t do it, it was unfair to Cronus. Still, he couldn’t just get out the car while his father is trying to find a parking space, and so he waited twenty minutes in the car with his father as they went around and around the parking lot, trying to find an empty spot. He was starting to get agitated by the third fifth time going around the parking lot, people were probably staring at them wondering what they were doing going around in circles when they could just park across on the other side of the road. It was his father who always used things like they were meant to, and wouldn’t try an alternative, so he would wait hours for a parking lot, he’s done it before and he will do it again. “Father, please.”

“No, no. I will find a space don’t you worry.” Mr Vantas was starting to get a little annoyed as well; the steady frustration that he was running out of time and the spaces weren’t becoming empty any time soon. He turned the corner once more, for the sixth time in under half an hour.

“For goodness sake father please! I am going to miss my appointment by this rate! I need to sign myself in.” Kankri was about to lose it, he’s seen the same cars six times in a row and his father’s happy go lucky attitude that everything would be okay was really edging him to just get out and forget ever listening to him. It was at that point that it was beginning to unnerve him that he would possibly not have the time to get everything prepared and done before his father caught him, maybe his father wouldn’t even let him leave and make him late. Something needed to be done about this. He turned to face his father and watched as the man let out a sigh and stopped the car, glancing over and nodding in acceptance, apparently he still had some sense left in that mind. Kankri got out of the car and slammed it shut, running out of the parking lot through the entrance to the desk, the hospital was a much warmer place than outside and he could feel himself relax slightly. Now that he thought about it, his father was a very stubborn man and he would be going around in circles for a while which meant he didn’t have to worry about taking too long but he still wanted to get it over with. He would be able to get away from his father for a while, knowing that he wouldn’t find a spot if they didn’t already and be with him soon enough. To be on the safe side, he must hurry.

He needed the perfect opportunity for himself.

Kankri knew that this moment wouldn’t come around again because his father wouldn’t let him out of his sight after this, and so he took it. He passed the desk quickly to go through to the hallway, up the stairs and pulled the zippo out of his trouser pocket, rubbing the lid with his thumb before opening it up and flicking it to spark. Of course it didn’t light but it was a call for Cronus to come to him, hopefully he would have been waiting and their reuniting would go smoothly. He flicked it as he ran up the stairs and onto another level in the hospital, coming out of the stairwell and into an empty hallway, glancing into the patient’s room to find any that were vacant. The lighter was flicked again and Cronus didn’t appear no surprise to Kankri; the last time he tried this he had to full out start crying about how much of a useless case he was for not being able to stay with the ghost before he came to save the day, and Kankri’s emotional state.

This time for sure though, he would stay with his love and they would be happy together. Peeking into a small room in the end of the corridor, Kankri noticed that it was empty; the bed cleaned so no one would go in to make sure that it’s set up for the next patient. He opened the door into the vacant room and slipped inside without anyone witnessing apart from the hospitals camera, but no one was watching them anyway so it didn’t bother the brunette. He shut the door quickly behind him and crept into the corner of the room just in case someone wanted to peer into the doors window, sitting down with his back against the cold wall and pulled his knees up to his chest like the ghost’s signature sitting stance. He was really doing it, something in his mind felt that the time was right.

Flicking the zippo once again and setting it next to him gently, he went into his pocket and pulled out a small case that he had prepared before the car ride. He had made sure to plan all of this beforehand so that nothing would have been needed on the day; he had bought a new razor at the store and hid it inside of his room, pulling it apart until the blades came out and tested their sharpness on his skin. They were perfect for what he was going through, still he worried that they might not be able to do the job completely but it would be enough. Kankri clicked the case open and carefully took out the two razors that he had slipped in there; he thought he should bring two just in case one gets ruined or blunted. Glancing down and turning the blades in his fingers so that his reflection could be seen, he looked at himself and saw the nervousness in his eyes surrounded by the strange sense of peacefulness, he had been waiting for this day to finally arrive and now that it was here he was unsteady with the pace that was happening. He wanted to do it right now and get it over with, yet on the other hand he was hesitating with the excuse that he should wait for Cronus to arrive but he knew that it was just the fear of that immense pain all over again and the empty feeling of death eroding into his core like he felt the last time he attempted. It was that hesitation that made the temperature in the room lower and Kankri’s breath catch in his throat. “Cronus?”

“What are you doing, Kan?” That emotionless voice spoke softly, almost done with what he was witnessing before him; his love cuddled up in the corner cradling little bladed weapons in the act of stopping his life forever, and for what? Himself? He was dead and he knew that he should say something, stop the teenager from ruining his life and tell him all the things he wanted to hear like how he was important and that he didn’t need to do this. But another side of him new that it was useless to even try that because Kankri wouldn’t listen and even worse he could get angry with him and do it anyway, then they would never be together because that anger would stick with the brunette through death. He gave up and sat down in front of his love, copying his favourite stance and cuddled his legs to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. It was the sorrow in the teenagers eyes that stopped him from saying anything else and simply rested his frozen hand atop the warm hand of Kankri, it was depressing to know that the hand he was holding right now wouldn’t be warm anymore, he would be frozen just like him and he would have to learn everything new. It was going to be a lot of work but it’s not like he can say anything to stop him.

“I think it’s time, Cronus.” Pulling up the sleeves of his red sweater roughly, not even caring if his past injuries were reopened and seeped, hey were too shallow to cause any damage and he wouldn’t care if they did because it’s what he was doing anyway. He pinched the razors in each hand, being careful not to snap them in his urgency to finally do it and lifted his head once more to look into those bland eyes, keeping the gaze as he dug the razor blade in and sliced all the way down, gritting his teeth from the stinging feeling, it would go numb soon enough anyway.

The ghost boy watched his lover gasp and shake a little as blood start to rise out of the deep wound and pool over his flesh, dripping down onto the perfectly white tiles below and staining them. He couldn’t help because this was something that Kankri had to do for himself, but he kept a strong grip on the brunette’s knee to show his support in this, he just wanted Kankri to be happy. Even if it meant that his life would be shortened to an end.

Kankri felt the cold sweat of pain rush down his spin and he knew he must have hit an artery or something because the blood wasn’t going any slower, pouring out of his arm and making his eyes daze a small amount, he knew that he had to do it again just in case it wasn’t going to do its job. Gaining the strength in his free hand, he hauled it over to the other arm and began digging the blade into his clean wrist, watching it give way to the sharpness and open up a fresh wound. He let out a small groan of discomfort but made his way down his arm, stopping midway because that would be enough, it was running out so fast that his head was becoming light. His eyes darted to Cronus’ once more and saw that he was still here and wasn’t going to leave him alone in his last moments, leaning heavily against the wall. There was a strong thumping in his ears from his heart working overtime in order to make up for the blood being lost, only to have it pour out of his two wounds. It didn’t hurt anymore; they were just silently throbbing now.

Cronus turned his head to the commotion outside, must have been Kankri’s father trying to find him again. He told the brunette as he turned around to face him, helping the teenager slip down the wall and lay onto the crimson tiles below him. Kankri didn’t seem all that bothered and why should he? The deed was done and just because they were in a hospital doesn’t mean that they can heal him that quickly enough, even if they did he would just reopen the wounds. Kankri was a stubborn person filled with misery that he wanted to end.

The brunette heard his lover talk quietly, something about his father being here? He didn’t care, what could he do now that would change anything? Nothing, he was happy now, finally with Cronus by his side and he would have no disturbances this time around, it was a shame that they found him so quickly though, he blames that camera catching him. He also blames himself for making the judgement that no one was watching the cameras, he should have thought that one through more but it didn’t matter now. He saw the slightly pained expression in that blank face and spoke with a croaky voice, his throat dry and he didn’t bother to swallow. “It’s alright now.”

“Kankri!” Ah, that raw cry of fear from his father that he knew all too much. Cronus stayed by his side even when the door was slammed open and his father came into blurry view along with a couple suicide prevention guards, his therapist and a doctor. So much for a peaceful death, he was grabbed by his father’s rough hands and shook a little, but he didn’t bother with a reply, simply letting the feeling of nothing wash over his body like a long awaited welcome. Yes, this is what he missed from last time.

“Kankri, can you hear me?”

Maybe the reason why he didn’t die the first time was because he had another string of fate to play with, he had to meet Cronus and be with him before he passed on. It was like a puzzle, if he died and he didn’t know Cronus then they would have both not been together forever but now they have each other. It all made sense now, and he didn’t despise himself anymore for not being able to kill himself right the first time.

“ _Kankri_!”

The light from the hallway was shining through the darkened room, shadows of people crowding his vision but they were slowly getting bleary. He couldn’t see. It went bright for a moment and then back to the dim darkness coming through to him. Perhaps that was a flash light being shone in his eyes, not that he cared. Simple thinking.

But that was alright, because he could feel that Cronus was there with him.

“Page another doctor; he needs emergency surgery right away.”

To think that his last moments were what he wanted all along, people to care about his health and not step over him. He wanted people to get to the point and love him for who he is, not treat him like some crazy person or a burden. He knew everyone thought about him as this pity party but to think that they would be left behind in this desolated world and he would be enjoying himself with the best part of his life that he has had. Cronus would be with him forever.

Everything was going black, people were wrong about that myth, there was no light. Just darkness. It’s cold. He's drowning.

“Kankri? Kankri, hey! **_Kankri_**!”

 

\--

 

Time went on as usual, it’s not like it was going to stop and wait for someone to move on. This was a harsh world and everyone knew it, but they couldn’t do anything about it. People got over the stage of depression and life continued on like it always would but it wasn’t the same in the important lives, like something was erased from their everyday lives. Something clearly output but not spoken of in case it triggered anyone. Some people were still weeping about it today and the depressive aura was fading in every day person’s lives, but not the friends and family, they had to deal with the fact that their best friend, brother and son had passed. They took their time to get over the fact that he was gone and they could have done something about it, but didn’t.

It ate them alive every night.

The funeral was huge due to the fact that his name was splashed over the city’s neighbourhood, the newspapers had his face in it for days and there was even news coverage on television about it. Apparently after spending eight hours in surgery trying to stop the bleeding, patch together the wounds that had severed two arteries in his arms, and get him a blood transfusion, it was too late and they had to end it with the fact that they couldn’t save a teenage boy. People wanted to pay their respects to the family and the friends who knew him, as well as say their own goodbyes to the boy who died too young. His own father had broken down while putting a rose onto the coffin of his eldest son, Karkat holding it all in until he was at home and alone, then proceedied to bawl the rest of the night. The school all went in formal gear, the neighbours and the staff at the hospital even went to show respect for the fallen teen. The strange thing was the gifts that the Vantas’ family received; there were so many cooked dinners and gift baskets filled with goodies to hopefully show their sorrow for them as well.

Still, it’s not like it changed anything; people were still being bullied, continuing their jobs laughing happily as if that event never happened. It was a good thing, it meant they were living their own lives and not grieving for so long. Though, it was harder for some people; Mr Vantas started to drink, watching his son die in his arms was something he wasn’t going to forget, it would stay with him until he too had passed on. His brother had to deal with the fact that his brother was dead by his own hand and he had to keep his questions to himself, angry about how they would never have answers. His group of friends that he supposedly dropped were still mourning him, they wore black from a week to remember him by and a few of them had to go into some unhealthy habits to get rid of that itching guilt that it was their fault for pushing him too hard or making him triggered in ways that perhaps made him do it. If they hadn’t sad the things they said then perhaps he would have opened up to them and gotten help.

One good thing that came out of it, because of the trauma that the city faced, the hospital had been put under a lot of slack and anger from the media about not being able to save them, but he forgave them. It wasn’t their fault. There had been a petition for the doctors to get the hospital to donate to the suicide helpline and prevention service that was all about dealing with youth that were going through depression and thinking about suicide, it was all because of him. He probably saved a lot of lives because of that. It’s a shame he had to die for something to change around here.

Everything went on as normal. People went through their lives without much less than a passing thought for the boy who died that day. Only the people nearby who cared about him. He could deal with that.

Though, there had been rumours around the city that a certain hospital has had a couple of sightings about two ghosts holding hands and walking down corridors together.

Must be nice for them.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you cry?   
> Were you happy with the ending?   
> Let me know in the comments! And check out my other stories too!


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